perspective
Deepening Relationship Awareness
Much of what I teach couples, and practice in my own life, is awareness practice. Rarely is the process for deepening awareness a straight line, however. Even if I were to say to you (which I wouldn’t without your assured invitation), “Do this and stop doing that.”, change rarely happens quickly, completely, or so directly. The human psyche is just too convoluted to entirely erase deeply engrained patterns. Especially when under increased stress, many of us may temporarily revert in some way to old patterns of behavior (myself included) until the trouble passes. In this sense, most of us have a psychological limp that makes us uniquely human, can be a bridge to self-compassion, and may increase our empathy for others.
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
- I’d like you to spend some time each day, five to fifteen minutes minimum, answering these three questions for yourself. You are not expected to tell your partner anything about what you experience doing this, unless you want to, even if your partner shares her/his/their experience with you. At our next session together I will ask you both if there is anything about your experience you would like to share. This might be nothing or anything like what the experience of answering the questions was like for you, what you liked or disliked about the experience, or your specific answers to any of the questions. The choice of talking about your experience or not is yours.
- What have you received from your relationship today?
- What have you given to your relationship today?
- What troubles or difficulties have you caused your relationship today?
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
Intimacy: The Alchemy Of Fear
Mar. 24, 2016 07:07 AM Filed in: Intimacy
What a privilege it is to witness the hearts and minds of the couples I see in my therapy practice. It’s humbling to be in the presence of two people sincerely plumbing the depths of human experience: How to see and be seen, how to understand and be understood, and how to love and be loved? Our hearts are eminently delicate even when they appear calloused and hardened, and so all the more delicate. When I experience two hearts/minds struggling to both give and receive, my heart opens and my humanity is replenished.
Couples therapist Dr. David Schnarch writes, “Intimacy is not for the faint of heart” and yet I also believe that deep intimacy takes courage; courage that always contains fear. Fear is intrinsic to human experience and is the very expression of our fragile and vulnerable hearts (also the root of our anger and defensiveness). When we acknowledge and accept our vulnerabilities as human beings, tenderness and compassion naturally arise and fear need not confound us. Just being human is a profound experience itself. What a blessing to be reminded of all this through the people who reveal their lives to me every day. --Doug
Couples therapist Dr. David Schnarch writes, “Intimacy is not for the faint of heart” and yet I also believe that deep intimacy takes courage; courage that always contains fear. Fear is intrinsic to human experience and is the very expression of our fragile and vulnerable hearts (also the root of our anger and defensiveness). When we acknowledge and accept our vulnerabilities as human beings, tenderness and compassion naturally arise and fear need not confound us. Just being human is a profound experience itself. What a blessing to be reminded of all this through the people who reveal their lives to me every day. --Doug
Stopping The 'Blame Game' In Relationship
Dec. 28, 2013 10:25 PM Filed in: Arguing
No matter what the specific complaint, many couples first arrive at my office repeating a structure that goes something like this: “I could relax if s/he would just (fill in the blank).” When the inevitable disappointments in relationship feel overwhelming many of us are quick to blame our partner for the relationship’s problems. It reminds me of Rex Harrison’s character Professor Henry Higgins in the musical “My Fair Lady” who asks, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” For most of us the question is simply “Why can’t you just see it my way?”
One famous family therapist, Carl Whitaker, put it this way: It’s crazy to expect you and I to think about and experience our relationship in the same way. Many variables contribute to an individual’s unique life perspective. Relationship combines differing perspectives.
From this vantage point, blaming each other for problems in your relationship makes very little sense. Blaming is a convenient way to not take responsibility for yourself, for your personal habits, and for your idiosyncratic perspective. And, blaming discounts your partner’s unique perspective, much of which you have less understanding of than you may think because her/his point of view encompasses the totality of her/his life. Learning how to self-soothe your own vulnerable feelings can help stop the blame game as you relate differently with the emotions that feed the blame. Soothing yourself (and therefore respecting and trusting yourself) also provides a foundation for empathy and inquiry; an ability to be curious about your partner’s perspective while simultaneously relating with your own
--Doug
One famous family therapist, Carl Whitaker, put it this way: It’s crazy to expect you and I to think about and experience our relationship in the same way. Many variables contribute to an individual’s unique life perspective. Relationship combines differing perspectives.
From this vantage point, blaming each other for problems in your relationship makes very little sense. Blaming is a convenient way to not take responsibility for yourself, for your personal habits, and for your idiosyncratic perspective. And, blaming discounts your partner’s unique perspective, much of which you have less understanding of than you may think because her/his point of view encompasses the totality of her/his life. Learning how to self-soothe your own vulnerable feelings can help stop the blame game as you relate differently with the emotions that feed the blame. Soothing yourself (and therefore respecting and trusting yourself) also provides a foundation for empathy and inquiry; an ability to be curious about your partner’s perspective while simultaneously relating with your own
--Doug