2019
I'd Like/Prefer: Expressing Your 'Selfness.'
May. 03, 2019 02:48 PM Filed in: Intimacy | Assertive communication
There are many ways to express oneself. Like everyone, you and your partner experience both helpful and unhelpful communication patterns with each other. While no single communication method is foolproof (because people and situations change), you can increase the potential for effective communication of your perspective with one simple rule.
When communicating your perspective (what I call your selfness) on nearly anything (and there are exceptions to this rule) consider saying, “I’d like . . .” or “I’d prefer . . .”. “I’d like Italian food tonight.” “I’d like us to put $50 in savings every month.” “I’d prefer we have only one child until we are able to afford two.” While expressing yourself in this way is no guarantee of a productive conversation, it increases the potential for your perspective to be acknowledged and appreciated. Thinking and speaking this way also has the benefit of encouraging you to ask yourself, “What are my preferences?” Many of us were never encouraged to ask ourselves this question as children but you are entitled to your perspective no matter anyone else’s opinion. ~Doug
When communicating your perspective (what I call your selfness) on nearly anything (and there are exceptions to this rule) consider saying, “I’d like . . .” or “I’d prefer . . .”. “I’d like Italian food tonight.” “I’d like us to put $50 in savings every month.” “I’d prefer we have only one child until we are able to afford two.” While expressing yourself in this way is no guarantee of a productive conversation, it increases the potential for your perspective to be acknowledged and appreciated. Thinking and speaking this way also has the benefit of encouraging you to ask yourself, “What are my preferences?” Many of us were never encouraged to ask ourselves this question as children but you are entitled to your perspective no matter anyone else’s opinion. ~Doug
Does Couple Therapy Work?
Jan. 04, 2019 11:04 AM Filed in: The Art Of Psychotherapy
Couple therapy is not a passive endeavor; it requires specific kinds of intention and attention to the matter at hand from both therapist and client couple. As is often said, ‘You get out of something whatever you put into it.’ It’s no different with couple therapy. If you value your relationship and want to better understand, grow and strengthen it, it will be necessary for you and your partner to intentionally tend to its cultivation just as a one tends to a garden’s fruits and weeds alike.
And what’s the therapist’s role? It’s complex and, in the hands of a master therapist, often more art than science. You read that right; with all that’s been made of Evidence Based Treatment the most important variables determining successful therapeutic outcomes are still ‘relationship factors’.* Specifically, how do clients experience the therapist?
For example, do I trust the therapist? Is s/he interested in me as a unique individual? Does s/he strive to embody the values s/he professes? Does s/he take responsibility for her mistakes? Do I feel increasingly free to express my authentic self in her presence? Can s/he clearly and consistently describe her particular therapeutic model? Do I feel safe to disagree with or question her perspective?
Obviously none of these qualities can be satisfied in just one therapy session and I believe it is the therapist’s responsibility to intentionally cultivate, over time, a therapeutic environment in which clients may increasingly answer such questions in the affirmative. Such intention by the therapist necessarily persists throughout the course of the therapeutic relationship. Furthermore, couple therapy requires therapists satisfy these and other domains for two people, not just one. As you might imagine, that can be a tall order. After all, therapists are just as human as you are and, when you and your partner disagree, the therapist’s response to each of you as individuals (from within the therapist’s own experiences and biases) will determine whether only one or both of you feel safe, cared for and respected.
Does couple therapy work? Yes, especially when both therapist and client couple cultivate sincere intention and attention to specific factors. However, the quality of the therapist’s repeated attention to satisfying questions like those above can go a long way toward inspiring clients to authentically engage in the process. I put the quality of your experience with me, my relationship with each of you, as my continuing priority in each session as I also help each of you make your relationship with each other your priority. ~Doug
*The Heart & Soul of Change: What Works in Therapy, Mark A. Hubble, Barry L. Duncan, Scott D. Miller, Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association, 1999.
And what’s the therapist’s role? It’s complex and, in the hands of a master therapist, often more art than science. You read that right; with all that’s been made of Evidence Based Treatment the most important variables determining successful therapeutic outcomes are still ‘relationship factors’.* Specifically, how do clients experience the therapist?
For example, do I trust the therapist? Is s/he interested in me as a unique individual? Does s/he strive to embody the values s/he professes? Does s/he take responsibility for her mistakes? Do I feel increasingly free to express my authentic self in her presence? Can s/he clearly and consistently describe her particular therapeutic model? Do I feel safe to disagree with or question her perspective?
Obviously none of these qualities can be satisfied in just one therapy session and I believe it is the therapist’s responsibility to intentionally cultivate, over time, a therapeutic environment in which clients may increasingly answer such questions in the affirmative. Such intention by the therapist necessarily persists throughout the course of the therapeutic relationship. Furthermore, couple therapy requires therapists satisfy these and other domains for two people, not just one. As you might imagine, that can be a tall order. After all, therapists are just as human as you are and, when you and your partner disagree, the therapist’s response to each of you as individuals (from within the therapist’s own experiences and biases) will determine whether only one or both of you feel safe, cared for and respected.
Does couple therapy work? Yes, especially when both therapist and client couple cultivate sincere intention and attention to specific factors. However, the quality of the therapist’s repeated attention to satisfying questions like those above can go a long way toward inspiring clients to authentically engage in the process. I put the quality of your experience with me, my relationship with each of you, as my continuing priority in each session as I also help each of you make your relationship with each other your priority. ~Doug
*The Heart & Soul of Change: What Works in Therapy, Mark A. Hubble, Barry L. Duncan, Scott D. Miller, Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association, 1999.