Relationship Help
How To Heal Your Relationship Through Forgiveness
Jul. 09, 2020 11:32 AM
When we first contemplate forgiveness in relationship we often think either, “How will I forgive you?” or “Will you forgive me?” But neither of these is the best starting place for healing your relationship through forgiveness. If I truly believe that the most important relationship I can have in the world is with myself, then forgiveness must start with self-forgiveness. Self- forgiveness is a process commensurate with and not altogether different from self- compassion.
To forgive someone, or to be ready to integrate someone forgiving you, start with forgiving yourself. Start by acknowledging and accepting responsibility for all the ways, both large and small, you have not been and are still not the kind of friend, family member, partner, parent or spouse you would like to be. Do this without intentionally shaming yourself (although you may feel shame) and without demeaning yourself (although you may feel less-than). This is an act of simply laying bare, with self-compassion, the “truth” about being human that none of us escapes: our own individual imperfection.
When we open our hearts to the truth of our own imperfection and see with simple and clear awareness how we not only abandon others but routinely abandon ourselves (i.e., through self-loathing, self-denying, withholding love, etc.), our hearts soften and we experience, in the words of an old zen parable, heaven.* This softening helps us see ourselves in the trespasses of others and to joyfully celebrate the pardons of those we have hurt.
In the final estimation, experiencing the love and joy you would like in the world starts with cultivating these for yourself and includes learning to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness strengthens your ability to acknowledge how you’ve hurt others and how you hurt yourself through self-abandonment. Forgiving yourself for your own human imperfections enables you to see yourself in others and to understand how to forgive those you love. ~Doug
* A samurai warrior wanted to understand and transcend the apparent opposites of heaven and hell to be a better fighter. So he sought out a particular zen monk to teach him. Arriving unannounced at the little monk’s door the samurai abruptly demanded, “Monk, teach me about heaven and hell!”
The little old monk was just finishing a cup of tea and he quietly set down the cup and peered straight into the samurai’s eyes. Unflinchingly he replied, “How dare you barge into my home and demand that I teach you! Just look at you: Overgrown, dirty! You couldn’t begin to understand what I have to teach. Why, I’m certain even your weapon is rusty!”
Enraged, the mighty samurai pulled out his sword and prepared to slice the monk in two. As he raised the blade over his head the monk calmly stated, “That’s hell.”
Instantly the samurai understood. He lowered his weapon and fell to the ground weeping with appreciation for the little zen monk who had risked his life to impart this great teaching. As the samurai softly cried the monk said gently, “And that’s heaven.”
To forgive someone, or to be ready to integrate someone forgiving you, start with forgiving yourself. Start by acknowledging and accepting responsibility for all the ways, both large and small, you have not been and are still not the kind of friend, family member, partner, parent or spouse you would like to be. Do this without intentionally shaming yourself (although you may feel shame) and without demeaning yourself (although you may feel less-than). This is an act of simply laying bare, with self-compassion, the “truth” about being human that none of us escapes: our own individual imperfection.
When we open our hearts to the truth of our own imperfection and see with simple and clear awareness how we not only abandon others but routinely abandon ourselves (i.e., through self-loathing, self-denying, withholding love, etc.), our hearts soften and we experience, in the words of an old zen parable, heaven.* This softening helps us see ourselves in the trespasses of others and to joyfully celebrate the pardons of those we have hurt.
In the final estimation, experiencing the love and joy you would like in the world starts with cultivating these for yourself and includes learning to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness strengthens your ability to acknowledge how you’ve hurt others and how you hurt yourself through self-abandonment. Forgiving yourself for your own human imperfections enables you to see yourself in others and to understand how to forgive those you love. ~Doug
* A samurai warrior wanted to understand and transcend the apparent opposites of heaven and hell to be a better fighter. So he sought out a particular zen monk to teach him. Arriving unannounced at the little monk’s door the samurai abruptly demanded, “Monk, teach me about heaven and hell!”
The little old monk was just finishing a cup of tea and he quietly set down the cup and peered straight into the samurai’s eyes. Unflinchingly he replied, “How dare you barge into my home and demand that I teach you! Just look at you: Overgrown, dirty! You couldn’t begin to understand what I have to teach. Why, I’m certain even your weapon is rusty!”
Enraged, the mighty samurai pulled out his sword and prepared to slice the monk in two. As he raised the blade over his head the monk calmly stated, “That’s hell.”
Instantly the samurai understood. He lowered his weapon and fell to the ground weeping with appreciation for the little zen monk who had risked his life to impart this great teaching. As the samurai softly cried the monk said gently, “And that’s heaven.”
How Do I Save My Marriage/Relationship?
Jul. 02, 2014 02:08 PM
You may be someone reading this who’s relationship has become so painful that you are now desperate to find a solution. Sadly many couples wait far too long before seeking help from couples counseling. If this sounds like you, I’d like to give you some hope. With the right therapist, who’s a good fit for you, even a small change in your relationship dynamics can feel like a huge relief.
Ask your partner or spouse if he or she is willing to try couples therapy. That question can be intimidating for many people so do your best to inquire about this, try not to demand it. It may take some time for your partner to adjust to the idea. Do your best to give her/him space to think more about it. Ask if you can check back with her/him in a day or two about what he/she is thinking. As difficult as it may be, respect your partner’s need to have space to consider all this. Your ability to wait and respect this may be the one ingredient that helps her/him agree.
If you both agree to seek help, it’s important to find a therapist you both like. I’ll write more about this in a future post but the most important factor for success is that you both respect the therapist and that you both feel respected by the therapist. I won’t lie to you; this can be a tall order all the way around. Many therapists struggle so much with the painful dynamics in hurting relationships that they just don’t provide couples therapy. So, interview as many therapists as you can by phone, read what they write on their websites, try to find recommendations from friends you trust. And, encourage your partner to do the same. Select 2-3 therapists who are good candidates and meet once with each. Review with your partner what you both experienced.
In the meantime, I hope the following can also provide you with some small sense of relief: Because of who we are as ‘animals’ (and human beings are animals) intimate relationship goes to the very heart of our individual sense of survival and safety. If you feel desperate right now, that’s not unusual because of our human need for intimacy. And, the most important relationship for you to have with anyone is with yourself. Cultivating loving kindness for yourself, initiating kind actions for yourself, and attending to your own pain through healthy strategies (taking a walk, confiding in a good friend, music, movies, etc.) are all examples of this self-kindness and self-compassion. You do have choice to treat yourself well. --Doug
Ask your partner or spouse if he or she is willing to try couples therapy. That question can be intimidating for many people so do your best to inquire about this, try not to demand it. It may take some time for your partner to adjust to the idea. Do your best to give her/him space to think more about it. Ask if you can check back with her/him in a day or two about what he/she is thinking. As difficult as it may be, respect your partner’s need to have space to consider all this. Your ability to wait and respect this may be the one ingredient that helps her/him agree.
If you both agree to seek help, it’s important to find a therapist you both like. I’ll write more about this in a future post but the most important factor for success is that you both respect the therapist and that you both feel respected by the therapist. I won’t lie to you; this can be a tall order all the way around. Many therapists struggle so much with the painful dynamics in hurting relationships that they just don’t provide couples therapy. So, interview as many therapists as you can by phone, read what they write on their websites, try to find recommendations from friends you trust. And, encourage your partner to do the same. Select 2-3 therapists who are good candidates and meet once with each. Review with your partner what you both experienced.
In the meantime, I hope the following can also provide you with some small sense of relief: Because of who we are as ‘animals’ (and human beings are animals) intimate relationship goes to the very heart of our individual sense of survival and safety. If you feel desperate right now, that’s not unusual because of our human need for intimacy. And, the most important relationship for you to have with anyone is with yourself. Cultivating loving kindness for yourself, initiating kind actions for yourself, and attending to your own pain through healthy strategies (taking a walk, confiding in a good friend, music, movies, etc.) are all examples of this self-kindness and self-compassion. You do have choice to treat yourself well. --Doug