Arguing
How To Take A Timeout To Improve Your Relationship
Sep. 16, 2020 11:57 PM
For years I’ve been coaching couples on how to use ‘timeouts’ to improve their relationships. The process is really quite structured and when a couple intentionally agrees to uphold these specific rules confidence in responding effectively to arguments can really improve. It’s important to remember that it may take several trials and refinements of the timeout process before experiencing dramatic results. However, when practiced sincerely by both members of a couple the timeout can become a reliable tool for how to move beyond stressful, and even nasty, arguments toward collaborative solutions. The structure I present here is an amalgam from different sources, including Dr. John Gottman, and my own refinements.
The purpose of a timeout is as an aid for increasing consistent, effective and collaborative conversation. When a person becomes flooded with emotion it can become increasingly difficult to have an objective conversation about relationship problems or challenges. ‘Fight or flight’ reaction may occur anytime one feels flooded with any strong emotion making it virtually impossible to objectively address perceived problems or threats.
The timeout structure is a tool to consistently interrupt relationship dynamics and behaviors that interfere with collaborative conversations (i.e., yelling, name calling, interrupting, criticism, withdrawing, etc.) and provide a structured pause from the interaction so both members of a couple may de-stress, self-soothe, and allow for enough time to pass enabling a calmer followup conversation. It usually takes 20-30 minutes for this de-stressing process to exhaust the sympathetic nervous system’s fight or flight hormone, norepinephrine, from an individual’s bloodstream. It is important that both members of the couple agree to the following structure in its entirety to potentiate effective outcomes. If you can not agree to any part of the structure please make that clear.
1. Either member of a couple may call a ‘timeout’ when she/he/they perceive the interaction is devolving into a hurtful or emotionally flooding argument. One person, partner “A”, calls “timeout” or uses an agreed upon phrase (i.e.,“bupkis”) to alert their partner, “B”, to the timeout.
2. Upon hearing the timeout, partner B agrees to immediately stop talking, regardless of whether she/he/they is talking or not.
3. Both A and B agree to do their best to get physical space away from each other for the length of the timeout; i.e. going to different rooms in the house, leaving the house for a brief walk, etc.
4. Partner A, who initiated the timeout, agrees to be the time keeper and set a physical timer for 30 minutes so there is no guessing about when the timeout starts and ends.
5. During the timeout both A and B use the pause to de-stress by engaging in activities that aid relaxation, i.e., listening to soothing music, reading a calming book, exercising, etc. Do not use the time thinking about all the arguments you will make to your partner after the timeout.
6. When the timer indicates 30 minutes have passed, Partner A goes to B with three main concerns: 1. Do we still need to talk? (A and B might both agree they were just blowing off steam, apologize, and feel nothing more needs to be said.) If both agree to end the conversation then that’s the end. 2. If at least one of you still wants to talk then both agree to return to the conversation. 3. When to continue the conversation? Ideally the conversation will resume immediately following the timeout. Busy lives, however, may require getting out calendars immediately after the timeout and setting a later time and day to talk. If needed, set a date to set the date and time for the conversation (i.e., A states, “I’ll call you in two hours from the office so we can set a specific time to talk.”, when time doesn’t permit scheduling immediately.)
7. Couples agree to not use timeouts to avoid or impede conversation, nor to ‘punish’ each other.
It’s important to remember that the person who calls for the timeout is responsible for reestablishing initial contact after the timeout and for taking the primary initiative in guiding the couple toward scheduling the next opportunity to address the topic, whether immediately after the timeout or at a ‘soonest’ next opportunity. Taking this responsibility is a good-faith demonstration that the topic will not get lost or forgotten. When first practicing timeouts, you may notice that when you reconnect to talk about the issue it may be necessary to quickly call for another timeout. With practice and confidence timeouts get called less frequently as partners trust that issues will not get dropped and individuals can learn to use the timeout to decrease reactivity. Good luck! ~Doug
The purpose of a timeout is as an aid for increasing consistent, effective and collaborative conversation. When a person becomes flooded with emotion it can become increasingly difficult to have an objective conversation about relationship problems or challenges. ‘Fight or flight’ reaction may occur anytime one feels flooded with any strong emotion making it virtually impossible to objectively address perceived problems or threats.
The timeout structure is a tool to consistently interrupt relationship dynamics and behaviors that interfere with collaborative conversations (i.e., yelling, name calling, interrupting, criticism, withdrawing, etc.) and provide a structured pause from the interaction so both members of a couple may de-stress, self-soothe, and allow for enough time to pass enabling a calmer followup conversation. It usually takes 20-30 minutes for this de-stressing process to exhaust the sympathetic nervous system’s fight or flight hormone, norepinephrine, from an individual’s bloodstream. It is important that both members of the couple agree to the following structure in its entirety to potentiate effective outcomes. If you can not agree to any part of the structure please make that clear.
1. Either member of a couple may call a ‘timeout’ when she/he/they perceive the interaction is devolving into a hurtful or emotionally flooding argument. One person, partner “A”, calls “timeout” or uses an agreed upon phrase (i.e.,“bupkis”) to alert their partner, “B”, to the timeout.
2. Upon hearing the timeout, partner B agrees to immediately stop talking, regardless of whether she/he/they is talking or not.
3. Both A and B agree to do their best to get physical space away from each other for the length of the timeout; i.e. going to different rooms in the house, leaving the house for a brief walk, etc.
4. Partner A, who initiated the timeout, agrees to be the time keeper and set a physical timer for 30 minutes so there is no guessing about when the timeout starts and ends.
5. During the timeout both A and B use the pause to de-stress by engaging in activities that aid relaxation, i.e., listening to soothing music, reading a calming book, exercising, etc. Do not use the time thinking about all the arguments you will make to your partner after the timeout.
6. When the timer indicates 30 minutes have passed, Partner A goes to B with three main concerns: 1. Do we still need to talk? (A and B might both agree they were just blowing off steam, apologize, and feel nothing more needs to be said.) If both agree to end the conversation then that’s the end. 2. If at least one of you still wants to talk then both agree to return to the conversation. 3. When to continue the conversation? Ideally the conversation will resume immediately following the timeout. Busy lives, however, may require getting out calendars immediately after the timeout and setting a later time and day to talk. If needed, set a date to set the date and time for the conversation (i.e., A states, “I’ll call you in two hours from the office so we can set a specific time to talk.”, when time doesn’t permit scheduling immediately.)
7. Couples agree to not use timeouts to avoid or impede conversation, nor to ‘punish’ each other.
It’s important to remember that the person who calls for the timeout is responsible for reestablishing initial contact after the timeout and for taking the primary initiative in guiding the couple toward scheduling the next opportunity to address the topic, whether immediately after the timeout or at a ‘soonest’ next opportunity. Taking this responsibility is a good-faith demonstration that the topic will not get lost or forgotten. When first practicing timeouts, you may notice that when you reconnect to talk about the issue it may be necessary to quickly call for another timeout. With practice and confidence timeouts get called less frequently as partners trust that issues will not get dropped and individuals can learn to use the timeout to decrease reactivity. Good luck! ~Doug
The Structure Of Change
Oct. 31, 2014 04:28 PM
Here is a simple and effective structure for supporting healthy interactions in your relationship that contribute to the changes you and your partner desire. It’s simple from the standpoint of the directions. In truth, it can be difficult to consistently practice.
When confronted with problems and difficulties, many of us naturally direct our attention to what we dislike and want to change. In other words, we focus on what we don’t like and we advocate for that thing to stop. For example, perhaps you feel misunderstood in your relationship and you believe your parter is judgmental of you. You might say to her/him, “Stop judging me.” Not surprisingly s/he might become defensive and accuse you of the same behavior. Before you know it you’re both arguing over what you dislike about each other. This is typically called a “problem focused” perspective. This perspective often keeps people stuck complaining about problems and can invite defensiveness when someone feels accused of being the problem.
One alternative is a “solution focused” perspective. A solution focused perspective puts little or no emphasis on describing the “problem” and directs attention to the specifics of how I’d like things to be. Here’s another way to think about this: Am I focused on what I want to stop or am I expressing what new thing I’d like to begin? Problem focused perspectives want something to decrease. Solution focused perspectives would like something to increase.
Rather than telling my partner to “stop judging me” I might say, “I’d like us both to be patient with each other.” Repeatedly directing attention toward a possible solution increases the likelihood that something approximating that solution may eventually take root. Focusing on the problem, however, often keeps us stuck on just the problem.
This simple practice can be used in other circumstances including advocating for yourself with strangers (i.e., “I’d like to speak with someone who can authorize my refund.”), personal growth and change (i.e., “I’d like to feel more confident and calm.”), and with parenting children (“I’d like you to save more of your money.”) In each of these examples, the speaker is directing attention toward something new, a solution. When a child hears her parent say, “stop wasting your money”, waisting money is what the child remembers. The same principle applies to conflict in your relationship.
It’s human to react negatively to pain and discomfort in your life; when something hurts it’s natural to want that thing to stop. A solution focused perspective is not positive thinking, however. It is the recognition that your specific behaviors either contribute to or inhibit the growth and change you desire in your life. Intentional and effective change begins with a vivid awareness of how you would like your experience to genuinely be. Repeated dialogue with your partner in this way more strongly supports this intention, and the possibilities for change, in your relationship. --Doug
When confronted with problems and difficulties, many of us naturally direct our attention to what we dislike and want to change. In other words, we focus on what we don’t like and we advocate for that thing to stop. For example, perhaps you feel misunderstood in your relationship and you believe your parter is judgmental of you. You might say to her/him, “Stop judging me.” Not surprisingly s/he might become defensive and accuse you of the same behavior. Before you know it you’re both arguing over what you dislike about each other. This is typically called a “problem focused” perspective. This perspective often keeps people stuck complaining about problems and can invite defensiveness when someone feels accused of being the problem.
One alternative is a “solution focused” perspective. A solution focused perspective puts little or no emphasis on describing the “problem” and directs attention to the specifics of how I’d like things to be. Here’s another way to think about this: Am I focused on what I want to stop or am I expressing what new thing I’d like to begin? Problem focused perspectives want something to decrease. Solution focused perspectives would like something to increase.
Rather than telling my partner to “stop judging me” I might say, “I’d like us both to be patient with each other.” Repeatedly directing attention toward a possible solution increases the likelihood that something approximating that solution may eventually take root. Focusing on the problem, however, often keeps us stuck on just the problem.
This simple practice can be used in other circumstances including advocating for yourself with strangers (i.e., “I’d like to speak with someone who can authorize my refund.”), personal growth and change (i.e., “I’d like to feel more confident and calm.”), and with parenting children (“I’d like you to save more of your money.”) In each of these examples, the speaker is directing attention toward something new, a solution. When a child hears her parent say, “stop wasting your money”, waisting money is what the child remembers. The same principle applies to conflict in your relationship.
It’s human to react negatively to pain and discomfort in your life; when something hurts it’s natural to want that thing to stop. A solution focused perspective is not positive thinking, however. It is the recognition that your specific behaviors either contribute to or inhibit the growth and change you desire in your life. Intentional and effective change begins with a vivid awareness of how you would like your experience to genuinely be. Repeated dialogue with your partner in this way more strongly supports this intention, and the possibilities for change, in your relationship. --Doug
Why Couples Argue
Jan. 21, 2014 11:36 AM
Arguing is one way people often protect themselves from their fears and anxieties in relationship. Research into successful marriages has found, however, that frequent arguing does not predict divorce. Some couples argue, others don't. It has also been observed that approximately 2/3rds of disagreements in successful marriages never get resolved. What does this tell us?
Successful couples, even when they do argue or disagree, find ways to maintain connection with each other. Doing so, of course, may seem easier said than done. One thing can help: Understanding that all anger, defensiveness, resentment, etc., is fueled by a “fear-threat-feeling”. Awareness of how angry behaviors protect our vulnerable hearts from painful feelings helps us relate differently with ourselves and with our partners. We can learn how to reestablish connection as arguments arise or through repair.
Arguing is a way of coping with fear. However, arguing can also obscure your awareness of your own vulnerable feelings. In the long run, appreciating and accepting your own fearful feelings teaches how to compassionately soothe your own hurt and pain. And, clarifying your own pain can help decrease arguing when you share your authentic fears with your partner. --Doug
Successful couples, even when they do argue or disagree, find ways to maintain connection with each other. Doing so, of course, may seem easier said than done. One thing can help: Understanding that all anger, defensiveness, resentment, etc., is fueled by a “fear-threat-feeling”. Awareness of how angry behaviors protect our vulnerable hearts from painful feelings helps us relate differently with ourselves and with our partners. We can learn how to reestablish connection as arguments arise or through repair.
Arguing is a way of coping with fear. However, arguing can also obscure your awareness of your own vulnerable feelings. In the long run, appreciating and accepting your own fearful feelings teaches how to compassionately soothe your own hurt and pain. And, clarifying your own pain can help decrease arguing when you share your authentic fears with your partner. --Doug
Stopping The 'Blame Game' In Relationship
Dec. 28, 2013 10:25 PM
No matter what the specific complaint, many couples first arrive at my office repeating a structure that goes something like this: “I could relax if s/he would just (fill in the blank).” When the inevitable disappointments in relationship feel overwhelming many of us are quick to blame our partner for the relationship’s problems. It reminds me of Rex Harrison’s character Professor Henry Higgins in the musical “My Fair Lady” who asks, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” For most of us the question is simply “Why can’t you just see it my way?”
One famous family therapist, Carl Whitaker, put it this way: It’s crazy to expect you and I to think about and experience our relationship in the same way. Many variables contribute to an individual’s unique life perspective. Relationship combines differing perspectives.
From this vantage point, blaming each other for problems in your relationship makes very little sense. Blaming is a convenient way to not take responsibility for yourself, for your personal habits, and for your idiosyncratic perspective. And, blaming discounts your partner’s unique perspective, much of which you have less understanding of than you may think because her/his point of view encompasses the totality of her/his life. Learning how to self-soothe your own vulnerable feelings can help stop the blame game as you relate differently with the emotions that feed the blame. Soothing yourself (and therefore respecting and trusting yourself) also provides a foundation for empathy and inquiry; an ability to be curious about your partner’s perspective while simultaneously relating with your own
--Doug
One famous family therapist, Carl Whitaker, put it this way: It’s crazy to expect you and I to think about and experience our relationship in the same way. Many variables contribute to an individual’s unique life perspective. Relationship combines differing perspectives.
From this vantage point, blaming each other for problems in your relationship makes very little sense. Blaming is a convenient way to not take responsibility for yourself, for your personal habits, and for your idiosyncratic perspective. And, blaming discounts your partner’s unique perspective, much of which you have less understanding of than you may think because her/his point of view encompasses the totality of her/his life. Learning how to self-soothe your own vulnerable feelings can help stop the blame game as you relate differently with the emotions that feed the blame. Soothing yourself (and therefore respecting and trusting yourself) also provides a foundation for empathy and inquiry; an ability to be curious about your partner’s perspective while simultaneously relating with your own
--Doug