Personal Growth
Deepening Relationship Awareness
Apr. 24, 2020 08:33 PM
Much of what I teach couples, and practice in my own life, is awareness practice. Rarely is the process for deepening awareness a straight line, however. Even if I were to say to you (which I wouldn’t without your assured invitation), “Do this and stop doing that.”, change rarely happens quickly, completely, or so directly. The human psyche is just too convoluted to entirely erase deeply engrained patterns. Especially when under increased stress, many of us may temporarily revert in some way to old patterns of behavior (myself included) until the trouble passes. In this sense, most of us have a psychological limp that makes us uniquely human, can be a bridge to self-compassion, and may increase our empathy for others.
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
- I’d like you to spend some time each day, five to fifteen minutes minimum, answering these three questions for yourself. You are not expected to tell your partner anything about what you experience doing this, unless you want to, even if your partner shares her/his/their experience with you. At our next session together I will ask you both if there is anything about your experience you would like to share. This might be nothing or anything like what the experience of answering the questions was like for you, what you liked or disliked about the experience, or your specific answers to any of the questions. The choice of talking about your experience or not is yours.
- What have you received from your relationship today?
- What have you given to your relationship today?
- What troubles or difficulties have you caused your relationship today?
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
WHAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?
Mar. 18, 2020 08:44 PM
These are strange and stressful times as you well know. I had one of those ‘ah-ha’ moments yesterday: the spontaneous realization of our collective and surreal predicament unexpectedly erupted into my daily ritual of oatmeal, nuts and fruit. “This coronavirus is serious!”, I shuddered. In a flash, my attention surveyed a number of related questions and concerns as the immediate impact, and the potential magnitude, of our existential dilemma rose within my awareness. And then, just as it began, my mind quickly quieted and I went back to cutting my apple. Returning awareness to cutting the apple wasn’t so much denial as it was paying attention to what was right in front of me: cutting the apple with full awareness so that I did not mindlessly cut my finger.
With coronavirus it is particularly urgent to maintain attention to certain behaviors because you may save a life that’s right in front of you. We are instructed, for example, to pay attention to how and when to wash our hands, to how close we stand to others, and to the specifics of how to cough and sneeze. Paying attention, returning awareness to these and other routine behaviors, benefits all of us as we collectively navigate this coronavirus. We all depend on each of us continually practicing awareness in support of everyone’s health and wellbeing.
Maintaining awareness is no less important in your relationship. Paying attention, or not, to how you behave with your partner will either support or erode the collective wellbeing of the relationship. Sincerely inquiring into your partner’s perspective and experience is a crucial awareness, as are many other behaviors like listening without interrupting or trying to fix something, empathizing, apologizing, and using kind language and voice tone. The relationship you save may be your own and she/he/they are right in front of you.
Be well and take care of each other. ~Doug
With coronavirus it is particularly urgent to maintain attention to certain behaviors because you may save a life that’s right in front of you. We are instructed, for example, to pay attention to how and when to wash our hands, to how close we stand to others, and to the specifics of how to cough and sneeze. Paying attention, returning awareness to these and other routine behaviors, benefits all of us as we collectively navigate this coronavirus. We all depend on each of us continually practicing awareness in support of everyone’s health and wellbeing.
Maintaining awareness is no less important in your relationship. Paying attention, or not, to how you behave with your partner will either support or erode the collective wellbeing of the relationship. Sincerely inquiring into your partner’s perspective and experience is a crucial awareness, as are many other behaviors like listening without interrupting or trying to fix something, empathizing, apologizing, and using kind language and voice tone. The relationship you save may be your own and she/he/they are right in front of you.
Be well and take care of each other. ~Doug
What Supports 'Change'?
Nov. 28, 2018 04:34 PM
As my couple therapy clients will attest to, I have my biases and I express them as such because I never want my clients to simply accept my perspective without checking in with themselves about theirs. If we are in disagreement we can then have a collaborative and compassionate conversation about the impasse. That is Collaborative Couple Therapy in a nutshell: People often disagree and, even so, we can still maintain connection as we address the difficulty.
When it comes to increasing the likelihood of favorable change in your relationship (or, for that matter, within yourself or in the environment) I start with a set of foundational beliefs:
Compassion Is More Helpful Than Anger
Although anger can be a motivator for some people within a limited context, it can’t be sustained for extended periods of time without causing harm in one way or another. Compassion, and I focus on self-compassion in particular, invokes friendliness and ‘turning toward’ life rather than pushing against our experiences. The more we are able to cultivate self-compassion, the greater our ability to face all challenges with kindness and curiosity.
It’s OK To Feel Anything You Feel
This is difficult for a lot of people to fully embrace. When I’m OK with anything I feel I can acknowledge and accept the fullness of my humanness, my experience of myself, without shame, guilt or self-condemnation (although, on a meta-level, I can also acknowledge and accept those negative feelings as well). For most of us this ‘OKness’ is, more or less, a continual work in progress.
One reason some people may feel alarmed by this concept is that they fear they may act-out in harmful or hurtful ways once they allow themselves to accept particularly undesirable feelings; the opposite is usually true. All feelings have energy behind them and if you try to ignore, deny, or repress any feeling its energy will eventually express itself in unconscious ways. Accepting your feelings, even unpleasant ones, creates space to respond in creative and decisive ways (with compassion). It’s also important to remember that ‘feeling’ and ‘doing’ are two different things.
Orient To Solutions
When faced with a problem, it’s easy to primarily focus on wanting that problem to stop. “Stop yelling at me” and “I wish I wasn’t so shy” are common types of problems people experience. Orienting to solutions means learning how to better express how you’d like things to be through increasing something or moving toward something rather than away from something. “Please lower your voice” and “I’d like to feel more relaxed in groups” are examples of solutions to these problems. Expressing a solution provides a more specific guide toward something desirable and presupposes the possibility for change. The better you can get at envisioning solutions the more likely you are to reach something approximating your desired solution.
~Doug
When it comes to increasing the likelihood of favorable change in your relationship (or, for that matter, within yourself or in the environment) I start with a set of foundational beliefs:
- Compassion is more helpful than anger
- It’s OK to feel anything you feel
- Orienting to ‘solutions’ rather than to ‘problems’ is most effective.
Compassion Is More Helpful Than Anger
Although anger can be a motivator for some people within a limited context, it can’t be sustained for extended periods of time without causing harm in one way or another. Compassion, and I focus on self-compassion in particular, invokes friendliness and ‘turning toward’ life rather than pushing against our experiences. The more we are able to cultivate self-compassion, the greater our ability to face all challenges with kindness and curiosity.
It’s OK To Feel Anything You Feel
This is difficult for a lot of people to fully embrace. When I’m OK with anything I feel I can acknowledge and accept the fullness of my humanness, my experience of myself, without shame, guilt or self-condemnation (although, on a meta-level, I can also acknowledge and accept those negative feelings as well). For most of us this ‘OKness’ is, more or less, a continual work in progress.
One reason some people may feel alarmed by this concept is that they fear they may act-out in harmful or hurtful ways once they allow themselves to accept particularly undesirable feelings; the opposite is usually true. All feelings have energy behind them and if you try to ignore, deny, or repress any feeling its energy will eventually express itself in unconscious ways. Accepting your feelings, even unpleasant ones, creates space to respond in creative and decisive ways (with compassion). It’s also important to remember that ‘feeling’ and ‘doing’ are two different things.
Orient To Solutions
When faced with a problem, it’s easy to primarily focus on wanting that problem to stop. “Stop yelling at me” and “I wish I wasn’t so shy” are common types of problems people experience. Orienting to solutions means learning how to better express how you’d like things to be through increasing something or moving toward something rather than away from something. “Please lower your voice” and “I’d like to feel more relaxed in groups” are examples of solutions to these problems. Expressing a solution provides a more specific guide toward something desirable and presupposes the possibility for change. The better you can get at envisioning solutions the more likely you are to reach something approximating your desired solution.
~Doug
Why Be In Relationship?
Dec. 02, 2013 03:53 PM
Recently I was meeting with an individual client who was questioning her relationship. We discussed differentiation and how expecting her partner to comfort her in the middle of a tense disagreement was a recipe for her continued disappointment and suffering. (Not because her partner is "bad" or "wrong", but because at those painful moments he's trying his best, just like her, to hang-in there with his pain.) Nodding her understanding, she suddenly blurted out, "Then what's the point? If my boyfriend isn't [behaving like I want him to], why would I want to be in a relationship?"
"I can give you at least two reasons," I replied.
First, humans are just social animals by nature. We desire closeness because our survival as a species has been historically dependent on it. A particular person’s social interests may take different forms, of course. “Pairing up” is not necessarily for everyone. In general, however, human survival for 200,000 years has depended on emotional bonding and social cooperation. It’s intrinsic to who we are as a species. Without fangs or claws, humans needed close bonding to survive. We can’t not bond.
Second (and perhaps most interesting to me), intimate relationship is an opportunity to develop your own sense of self. Another way to say this is that being in relationship provides repeated opportunity for deepening psychological maturity. David Schnarch, Ph.D. calls marriage “a people growing machine.” I believe all human growth is tied into relationship. Your partner provides an unmatched opportunity for you to deeply understand yourself. Being in relationship helps you psychologically develop, stretch, and grow.
So, if you’d like to deepen your understanding of yourself, get into an emotionally bonded relationship. It’s a real education. --Doug
"I can give you at least two reasons," I replied.
First, humans are just social animals by nature. We desire closeness because our survival as a species has been historically dependent on it. A particular person’s social interests may take different forms, of course. “Pairing up” is not necessarily for everyone. In general, however, human survival for 200,000 years has depended on emotional bonding and social cooperation. It’s intrinsic to who we are as a species. Without fangs or claws, humans needed close bonding to survive. We can’t not bond.
Second (and perhaps most interesting to me), intimate relationship is an opportunity to develop your own sense of self. Another way to say this is that being in relationship provides repeated opportunity for deepening psychological maturity. David Schnarch, Ph.D. calls marriage “a people growing machine.” I believe all human growth is tied into relationship. Your partner provides an unmatched opportunity for you to deeply understand yourself. Being in relationship helps you psychologically develop, stretch, and grow.
So, if you’d like to deepen your understanding of yourself, get into an emotionally bonded relationship. It’s a real education. --Doug