self-understanding
Deepening Relationship Awareness
Much of what I teach couples, and practice in my own life, is awareness practice. Rarely is the process for deepening awareness a straight line, however. Even if I were to say to you (which I wouldn’t without your assured invitation), “Do this and stop doing that.”, change rarely happens quickly, completely, or so directly. The human psyche is just too convoluted to entirely erase deeply engrained patterns. Especially when under increased stress, many of us may temporarily revert in some way to old patterns of behavior (myself included) until the trouble passes. In this sense, most of us have a psychological limp that makes us uniquely human, can be a bridge to self-compassion, and may increase our empathy for others.
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
- I’d like you to spend some time each day, five to fifteen minutes minimum, answering these three questions for yourself. You are not expected to tell your partner anything about what you experience doing this, unless you want to, even if your partner shares her/his/their experience with you. At our next session together I will ask you both if there is anything about your experience you would like to share. This might be nothing or anything like what the experience of answering the questions was like for you, what you liked or disliked about the experience, or your specific answers to any of the questions. The choice of talking about your experience or not is yours.
- What have you received from your relationship today?
- What have you given to your relationship today?
- What troubles or difficulties have you caused your relationship today?
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
Intimacy: The Alchemy Of Fear
Mar. 24, 2016 07:07 AM Filed in: Intimacy
What a privilege it is to witness the hearts and minds of the couples I see in my therapy practice. It’s humbling to be in the presence of two people sincerely plumbing the depths of human experience: How to see and be seen, how to understand and be understood, and how to love and be loved? Our hearts are eminently delicate even when they appear calloused and hardened, and so all the more delicate. When I experience two hearts/minds struggling to both give and receive, my heart opens and my humanity is replenished.
Couples therapist Dr. David Schnarch writes, “Intimacy is not for the faint of heart” and yet I also believe that deep intimacy takes courage; courage that always contains fear. Fear is intrinsic to human experience and is the very expression of our fragile and vulnerable hearts (also the root of our anger and defensiveness). When we acknowledge and accept our vulnerabilities as human beings, tenderness and compassion naturally arise and fear need not confound us. Just being human is a profound experience itself. What a blessing to be reminded of all this through the people who reveal their lives to me every day. --Doug
Couples therapist Dr. David Schnarch writes, “Intimacy is not for the faint of heart” and yet I also believe that deep intimacy takes courage; courage that always contains fear. Fear is intrinsic to human experience and is the very expression of our fragile and vulnerable hearts (also the root of our anger and defensiveness). When we acknowledge and accept our vulnerabilities as human beings, tenderness and compassion naturally arise and fear need not confound us. Just being human is a profound experience itself. What a blessing to be reminded of all this through the people who reveal their lives to me every day. --Doug
Why Be In Relationship?
Dec. 02, 2013 03:53 PM Filed in: Personal Growth
Recently I was meeting with an individual client who was questioning her relationship. We discussed differentiation and how expecting her partner to comfort her in the middle of a tense disagreement was a recipe for her continued disappointment and suffering. (Not because her partner is "bad" or "wrong", but because at those painful moments he's trying his best, just like her, to hang-in there with his pain.) Nodding her understanding, she suddenly blurted out, "Then what's the point? If my boyfriend isn't [behaving like I want him to], why would I want to be in a relationship?"
"I can give you at least two reasons," I replied.
First, humans are just social animals by nature. We desire closeness because our survival as a species has been historically dependent on it. A particular person’s social interests may take different forms, of course. “Pairing up” is not necessarily for everyone. In general, however, human survival for 200,000 years has depended on emotional bonding and social cooperation. It’s intrinsic to who we are as a species. Without fangs or claws, humans needed close bonding to survive. We can’t not bond.
Second (and perhaps most interesting to me), intimate relationship is an opportunity to develop your own sense of self. Another way to say this is that being in relationship provides repeated opportunity for deepening psychological maturity. David Schnarch, Ph.D. calls marriage “a people growing machine.” I believe all human growth is tied into relationship. Your partner provides an unmatched opportunity for you to deeply understand yourself. Being in relationship helps you psychologically develop, stretch, and grow.
So, if you’d like to deepen your understanding of yourself, get into an emotionally bonded relationship. It’s a real education. --Doug
"I can give you at least two reasons," I replied.
First, humans are just social animals by nature. We desire closeness because our survival as a species has been historically dependent on it. A particular person’s social interests may take different forms, of course. “Pairing up” is not necessarily for everyone. In general, however, human survival for 200,000 years has depended on emotional bonding and social cooperation. It’s intrinsic to who we are as a species. Without fangs or claws, humans needed close bonding to survive. We can’t not bond.
Second (and perhaps most interesting to me), intimate relationship is an opportunity to develop your own sense of self. Another way to say this is that being in relationship provides repeated opportunity for deepening psychological maturity. David Schnarch, Ph.D. calls marriage “a people growing machine.” I believe all human growth is tied into relationship. Your partner provides an unmatched opportunity for you to deeply understand yourself. Being in relationship helps you psychologically develop, stretch, and grow.
So, if you’d like to deepen your understanding of yourself, get into an emotionally bonded relationship. It’s a real education. --Doug
Intimacy Begins with Self-Intimacy
Nov. 16, 2013 10:54 AM Filed in: Intimacy
This blog is about deepening intimacy in relationship. By intimacy I mean to say an experience in which people authentically and intentionally reveal themselves; reveal their internal emotional experience of self, their struggles, hopes, and desires. Intimate relationships, I believe, always begin with self-intimacy; this is because, in order to authentically reveal myself to another, I must first reveal myself to me. This is not so obvious as might first appear.
Most of us have aspects of ourselves that we feel uncomfortable with or discouraged about. Because there is stress or emotional pain associated with such aspects, many people cope with that stress by suppressing or repressing thoughts associated with the pain. Depending on the circumstances, coping in these ways can be helpful. However, although these aspects are hidden from conscious awareness, they are still expressed through a person’s behavior. Unconscious expression of hidden emotion can lead to behaviors that cause people added pain.
The first step toward healing pain of any kind is acknowledging and accepting that pain within yourself; that’s self-intimacy. In time this may lead to deeper awareness of hidden emotion that gets expressed unconsciously (sometimes called ‘sideways behavior’). From this place of awareness you may more confidently reveal your internal experiences to your mate or partner. Another word for this is transparency. When we cultivate intimacy with ourselves and with others we become more transparent and more accepting of ourselves.
Here’s the takeaway: Intimacy is cultivated through revealing your internal emotions to others. If you would like to deepen emotional intimacy with someone start by deepening your awareness of your own internal process: your likes and dislikes, your fears and your joys. Examine more closely what it’s like being you in all aspects of living your life. No doubt that examination will be a mix of appreciation and discomfort; and with practice you can accept the fullness of your life (both the pain and the joy) and more confidently reveal yourself to others. --Doug
Most of us have aspects of ourselves that we feel uncomfortable with or discouraged about. Because there is stress or emotional pain associated with such aspects, many people cope with that stress by suppressing or repressing thoughts associated with the pain. Depending on the circumstances, coping in these ways can be helpful. However, although these aspects are hidden from conscious awareness, they are still expressed through a person’s behavior. Unconscious expression of hidden emotion can lead to behaviors that cause people added pain.
The first step toward healing pain of any kind is acknowledging and accepting that pain within yourself; that’s self-intimacy. In time this may lead to deeper awareness of hidden emotion that gets expressed unconsciously (sometimes called ‘sideways behavior’). From this place of awareness you may more confidently reveal your internal experiences to your mate or partner. Another word for this is transparency. When we cultivate intimacy with ourselves and with others we become more transparent and more accepting of ourselves.
Here’s the takeaway: Intimacy is cultivated through revealing your internal emotions to others. If you would like to deepen emotional intimacy with someone start by deepening your awareness of your own internal process: your likes and dislikes, your fears and your joys. Examine more closely what it’s like being you in all aspects of living your life. No doubt that examination will be a mix of appreciation and discomfort; and with practice you can accept the fullness of your life (both the pain and the joy) and more confidently reveal yourself to others. --Doug