Conflict
How To Take A Timeout To Improve Your Relationship
Sep. 16, 2020 11:57 PM
For years I’ve been coaching couples on how to use ‘timeouts’ to improve their relationships. The process is really quite structured and when a couple intentionally agrees to uphold these specific rules confidence in responding effectively to arguments can really improve. It’s important to remember that it may take several trials and refinements of the timeout process before experiencing dramatic results. However, when practiced sincerely by both members of a couple the timeout can become a reliable tool for how to move beyond stressful, and even nasty, arguments toward collaborative solutions. The structure I present here is an amalgam from different sources, including Dr. John Gottman, and my own refinements.
The purpose of a timeout is as an aid for increasing consistent, effective and collaborative conversation. When a person becomes flooded with emotion it can become increasingly difficult to have an objective conversation about relationship problems or challenges. ‘Fight or flight’ reaction may occur anytime one feels flooded with any strong emotion making it virtually impossible to objectively address perceived problems or threats.
The timeout structure is a tool to consistently interrupt relationship dynamics and behaviors that interfere with collaborative conversations (i.e., yelling, name calling, interrupting, criticism, withdrawing, etc.) and provide a structured pause from the interaction so both members of a couple may de-stress, self-soothe, and allow for enough time to pass enabling a calmer followup conversation. It usually takes 20-30 minutes for this de-stressing process to exhaust the sympathetic nervous system’s fight or flight hormone, norepinephrine, from an individual’s bloodstream. It is important that both members of the couple agree to the following structure in its entirety to potentiate effective outcomes. If you can not agree to any part of the structure please make that clear.
1. Either member of a couple may call a ‘timeout’ when she/he/they perceive the interaction is devolving into a hurtful or emotionally flooding argument. One person, partner “A”, calls “timeout” or uses an agreed upon phrase (i.e.,“bupkis”) to alert their partner, “B”, to the timeout.
2. Upon hearing the timeout, partner B agrees to immediately stop talking, regardless of whether she/he/they is talking or not.
3. Both A and B agree to do their best to get physical space away from each other for the length of the timeout; i.e. going to different rooms in the house, leaving the house for a brief walk, etc.
4. Partner A, who initiated the timeout, agrees to be the time keeper and set a physical timer for 30 minutes so there is no guessing about when the timeout starts and ends.
5. During the timeout both A and B use the pause to de-stress by engaging in activities that aid relaxation, i.e., listening to soothing music, reading a calming book, exercising, etc. Do not use the time thinking about all the arguments you will make to your partner after the timeout.
6. When the timer indicates 30 minutes have passed, Partner A goes to B with three main concerns: 1. Do we still need to talk? (A and B might both agree they were just blowing off steam, apologize, and feel nothing more needs to be said.) If both agree to end the conversation then that’s the end. 2. If at least one of you still wants to talk then both agree to return to the conversation. 3. When to continue the conversation? Ideally the conversation will resume immediately following the timeout. Busy lives, however, may require getting out calendars immediately after the timeout and setting a later time and day to talk. If needed, set a date to set the date and time for the conversation (i.e., A states, “I’ll call you in two hours from the office so we can set a specific time to talk.”, when time doesn’t permit scheduling immediately.)
7. Couples agree to not use timeouts to avoid or impede conversation, nor to ‘punish’ each other.
It’s important to remember that the person who calls for the timeout is responsible for reestablishing initial contact after the timeout and for taking the primary initiative in guiding the couple toward scheduling the next opportunity to address the topic, whether immediately after the timeout or at a ‘soonest’ next opportunity. Taking this responsibility is a good-faith demonstration that the topic will not get lost or forgotten. When first practicing timeouts, you may notice that when you reconnect to talk about the issue it may be necessary to quickly call for another timeout. With practice and confidence timeouts get called less frequently as partners trust that issues will not get dropped and individuals can learn to use the timeout to decrease reactivity. Good luck! ~Doug
The purpose of a timeout is as an aid for increasing consistent, effective and collaborative conversation. When a person becomes flooded with emotion it can become increasingly difficult to have an objective conversation about relationship problems or challenges. ‘Fight or flight’ reaction may occur anytime one feels flooded with any strong emotion making it virtually impossible to objectively address perceived problems or threats.
The timeout structure is a tool to consistently interrupt relationship dynamics and behaviors that interfere with collaborative conversations (i.e., yelling, name calling, interrupting, criticism, withdrawing, etc.) and provide a structured pause from the interaction so both members of a couple may de-stress, self-soothe, and allow for enough time to pass enabling a calmer followup conversation. It usually takes 20-30 minutes for this de-stressing process to exhaust the sympathetic nervous system’s fight or flight hormone, norepinephrine, from an individual’s bloodstream. It is important that both members of the couple agree to the following structure in its entirety to potentiate effective outcomes. If you can not agree to any part of the structure please make that clear.
1. Either member of a couple may call a ‘timeout’ when she/he/they perceive the interaction is devolving into a hurtful or emotionally flooding argument. One person, partner “A”, calls “timeout” or uses an agreed upon phrase (i.e.,“bupkis”) to alert their partner, “B”, to the timeout.
2. Upon hearing the timeout, partner B agrees to immediately stop talking, regardless of whether she/he/they is talking or not.
3. Both A and B agree to do their best to get physical space away from each other for the length of the timeout; i.e. going to different rooms in the house, leaving the house for a brief walk, etc.
4. Partner A, who initiated the timeout, agrees to be the time keeper and set a physical timer for 30 minutes so there is no guessing about when the timeout starts and ends.
5. During the timeout both A and B use the pause to de-stress by engaging in activities that aid relaxation, i.e., listening to soothing music, reading a calming book, exercising, etc. Do not use the time thinking about all the arguments you will make to your partner after the timeout.
6. When the timer indicates 30 minutes have passed, Partner A goes to B with three main concerns: 1. Do we still need to talk? (A and B might both agree they were just blowing off steam, apologize, and feel nothing more needs to be said.) If both agree to end the conversation then that’s the end. 2. If at least one of you still wants to talk then both agree to return to the conversation. 3. When to continue the conversation? Ideally the conversation will resume immediately following the timeout. Busy lives, however, may require getting out calendars immediately after the timeout and setting a later time and day to talk. If needed, set a date to set the date and time for the conversation (i.e., A states, “I’ll call you in two hours from the office so we can set a specific time to talk.”, when time doesn’t permit scheduling immediately.)
7. Couples agree to not use timeouts to avoid or impede conversation, nor to ‘punish’ each other.
It’s important to remember that the person who calls for the timeout is responsible for reestablishing initial contact after the timeout and for taking the primary initiative in guiding the couple toward scheduling the next opportunity to address the topic, whether immediately after the timeout or at a ‘soonest’ next opportunity. Taking this responsibility is a good-faith demonstration that the topic will not get lost or forgotten. When first practicing timeouts, you may notice that when you reconnect to talk about the issue it may be necessary to quickly call for another timeout. With practice and confidence timeouts get called less frequently as partners trust that issues will not get dropped and individuals can learn to use the timeout to decrease reactivity. Good luck! ~Doug
How To Heal Your Relationship Through Forgiveness
Jul. 09, 2020 11:32 AM
When we first contemplate forgiveness in relationship we often think either, “How will I forgive you?” or “Will you forgive me?” But neither of these is the best starting place for healing your relationship through forgiveness. If I truly believe that the most important relationship I can have in the world is with myself, then forgiveness must start with self-forgiveness. Self- forgiveness is a process commensurate with and not altogether different from self- compassion.
To forgive someone, or to be ready to integrate someone forgiving you, start with forgiving yourself. Start by acknowledging and accepting responsibility for all the ways, both large and small, you have not been and are still not the kind of friend, family member, partner, parent or spouse you would like to be. Do this without intentionally shaming yourself (although you may feel shame) and without demeaning yourself (although you may feel less-than). This is an act of simply laying bare, with self-compassion, the “truth” about being human that none of us escapes: our own individual imperfection.
When we open our hearts to the truth of our own imperfection and see with simple and clear awareness how we not only abandon others but routinely abandon ourselves (i.e., through self-loathing, self-denying, withholding love, etc.), our hearts soften and we experience, in the words of an old zen parable, heaven.* This softening helps us see ourselves in the trespasses of others and to joyfully celebrate the pardons of those we have hurt.
In the final estimation, experiencing the love and joy you would like in the world starts with cultivating these for yourself and includes learning to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness strengthens your ability to acknowledge how you’ve hurt others and how you hurt yourself through self-abandonment. Forgiving yourself for your own human imperfections enables you to see yourself in others and to understand how to forgive those you love. ~Doug
* A samurai warrior wanted to understand and transcend the apparent opposites of heaven and hell to be a better fighter. So he sought out a particular zen monk to teach him. Arriving unannounced at the little monk’s door the samurai abruptly demanded, “Monk, teach me about heaven and hell!”
The little old monk was just finishing a cup of tea and he quietly set down the cup and peered straight into the samurai’s eyes. Unflinchingly he replied, “How dare you barge into my home and demand that I teach you! Just look at you: Overgrown, dirty! You couldn’t begin to understand what I have to teach. Why, I’m certain even your weapon is rusty!”
Enraged, the mighty samurai pulled out his sword and prepared to slice the monk in two. As he raised the blade over his head the monk calmly stated, “That’s hell.”
Instantly the samurai understood. He lowered his weapon and fell to the ground weeping with appreciation for the little zen monk who had risked his life to impart this great teaching. As the samurai softly cried the monk said gently, “And that’s heaven.”
To forgive someone, or to be ready to integrate someone forgiving you, start with forgiving yourself. Start by acknowledging and accepting responsibility for all the ways, both large and small, you have not been and are still not the kind of friend, family member, partner, parent or spouse you would like to be. Do this without intentionally shaming yourself (although you may feel shame) and without demeaning yourself (although you may feel less-than). This is an act of simply laying bare, with self-compassion, the “truth” about being human that none of us escapes: our own individual imperfection.
When we open our hearts to the truth of our own imperfection and see with simple and clear awareness how we not only abandon others but routinely abandon ourselves (i.e., through self-loathing, self-denying, withholding love, etc.), our hearts soften and we experience, in the words of an old zen parable, heaven.* This softening helps us see ourselves in the trespasses of others and to joyfully celebrate the pardons of those we have hurt.
In the final estimation, experiencing the love and joy you would like in the world starts with cultivating these for yourself and includes learning to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness strengthens your ability to acknowledge how you’ve hurt others and how you hurt yourself through self-abandonment. Forgiving yourself for your own human imperfections enables you to see yourself in others and to understand how to forgive those you love. ~Doug
* A samurai warrior wanted to understand and transcend the apparent opposites of heaven and hell to be a better fighter. So he sought out a particular zen monk to teach him. Arriving unannounced at the little monk’s door the samurai abruptly demanded, “Monk, teach me about heaven and hell!”
The little old monk was just finishing a cup of tea and he quietly set down the cup and peered straight into the samurai’s eyes. Unflinchingly he replied, “How dare you barge into my home and demand that I teach you! Just look at you: Overgrown, dirty! You couldn’t begin to understand what I have to teach. Why, I’m certain even your weapon is rusty!”
Enraged, the mighty samurai pulled out his sword and prepared to slice the monk in two. As he raised the blade over his head the monk calmly stated, “That’s hell.”
Instantly the samurai understood. He lowered his weapon and fell to the ground weeping with appreciation for the little zen monk who had risked his life to impart this great teaching. As the samurai softly cried the monk said gently, “And that’s heaven.”
Conflict Avoidant? You're Normal.
Aug. 31, 2014 08:21 AM
Every now and then I hear some version of the following when a new couple arrives at my office: “He’s afraid of conflict so we never talk about anything important.” or “I’m just conflict avoidant, I guess. I’m afraid of starting an argument.” These kinds of statements carry a negative message, that a particular situation would be a whole lot better if someone wasn’t afraid of conflict. Fearing conflict, however, is not the problem; fear itself is a normal human emotion. How to respond when feeling fear is the healing question.
I have a hypothesis about conflict avoidance: Human beings have survived on this planet for two hundred thousand years, in part, because we are conflict avoidant. While countless examples of human violence may seem to contradict this assertion (many aggressive and violent acts can be understood as conflict avoidant, however), the vast majority of human beings cooperate with one another for their mutual interest, enjoyment, and survival. We humans are social animals. I believe we evolved an adaptive drive for emotional and social connection because getting kicked out of the tribe on the plains of Africa meant trouble. With no fangs or claws to defend ourselves, a solitary human was an easy meal for hyaenas and cheetahs. Getting along with family and tribal members was the difference between life and death.
Fast forward to the twenty-first century. Although many modern comforts make our lives less precarious than the lives of our ancestors, the structure of our brains has not changed for thousands of years. We still fear conflict and the potential for disruption and pain conflict represents in our relationships. The scientific evidence seems to demonstrate, as well, that people live longer and feel better when connected to a larger social group. From this perspective, fear of conflict is a normal desire to remain within the familiar surroundings of a safe family or tribe.
Understanding that most people, myself included, are conflict avoidant helps us stop seeing ourselves as needing to be fixed or different. Humans are marvelously adaptive; the reason our species has survived all these millennium. Avoiding conflict is itself adaptive; it orients the vast majority of us toward pathways for maintaining connection and relationship for our health and survival. But inevitably, of course, modern life poses dilemmas which make conflict unavoidable and even preferable to the status quo. Then what?
First, acknowledging and accepting your fear of conflict can help you relax more in even the smallest ways. With incremental relaxation you can think more clearly and creatively (adaptively) about potential solutions. Second, you might share your fear of conflict with your partner; an intimate and loving gesture because you reveal your vulnerability. Third, you can learn to have conversations expressing your hopes and fears in a way that invites the same transparency from your mate. These conversations deepen intimacy, love and connection.
Fear of conflict is normal. You are normal. Remember the old saying: Courage is not the absence of fear; courage is having fear and acting anyway. Acknowledging and accepting the complete range of human emotion, especially your fears, is the key to taking action and creating solutions. --Doug
I have a hypothesis about conflict avoidance: Human beings have survived on this planet for two hundred thousand years, in part, because we are conflict avoidant. While countless examples of human violence may seem to contradict this assertion (many aggressive and violent acts can be understood as conflict avoidant, however), the vast majority of human beings cooperate with one another for their mutual interest, enjoyment, and survival. We humans are social animals. I believe we evolved an adaptive drive for emotional and social connection because getting kicked out of the tribe on the plains of Africa meant trouble. With no fangs or claws to defend ourselves, a solitary human was an easy meal for hyaenas and cheetahs. Getting along with family and tribal members was the difference between life and death.
Fast forward to the twenty-first century. Although many modern comforts make our lives less precarious than the lives of our ancestors, the structure of our brains has not changed for thousands of years. We still fear conflict and the potential for disruption and pain conflict represents in our relationships. The scientific evidence seems to demonstrate, as well, that people live longer and feel better when connected to a larger social group. From this perspective, fear of conflict is a normal desire to remain within the familiar surroundings of a safe family or tribe.
Understanding that most people, myself included, are conflict avoidant helps us stop seeing ourselves as needing to be fixed or different. Humans are marvelously adaptive; the reason our species has survived all these millennium. Avoiding conflict is itself adaptive; it orients the vast majority of us toward pathways for maintaining connection and relationship for our health and survival. But inevitably, of course, modern life poses dilemmas which make conflict unavoidable and even preferable to the status quo. Then what?
First, acknowledging and accepting your fear of conflict can help you relax more in even the smallest ways. With incremental relaxation you can think more clearly and creatively (adaptively) about potential solutions. Second, you might share your fear of conflict with your partner; an intimate and loving gesture because you reveal your vulnerability. Third, you can learn to have conversations expressing your hopes and fears in a way that invites the same transparency from your mate. These conversations deepen intimacy, love and connection.
Fear of conflict is normal. You are normal. Remember the old saying: Courage is not the absence of fear; courage is having fear and acting anyway. Acknowledging and accepting the complete range of human emotion, especially your fears, is the key to taking action and creating solutions. --Doug