Assertive communication
Some Biases In Service To Relationship
Mar. 03, 2020 08:20 PM
The following is a list of concepts I frequently return to in my work with couples. As the title of this blog entry states, these are biases of mine that I believe support enjoyable relationship. Because they are biases I encourage my client couples to reflect on each of these and let me know if they agree or might offer a counter bias of their own. Disagreeing isn’t wrong or bad, it just means we get to have a conversation about our differences so we can decide together how to proceed. And this is what most contented couples eventually learn how to do: have confiding conversations about their inevitable differences. ~Doug
1. Presume goodwill/good intent from your partner as much as possible.
2. The most important part of good communication is listening to understand your partner’s perspective.
3. You probably don’t understand your partner’s perspective as well as you think you do so keep listening.
4. Inquiring into your partner’s experience is superior to ‘fixing’ perceived problems or ‘teaching’. People who reflexively try to fix someone’s problems and try to teach others without first getting consent to do so often ‘persecute’.
5. Using ‘I’d like’ and ‘I’d prefer’ is the least demanding way to express your ‘selfness’, particularly during conflict.
6. The language of ‘solutions’ is more effective than the language of ‘problems’. For example, “I’d like to save $25 each week.” (solution focused) is preferable to “I need to stop wasting money.” (problem focused) “Please lower your voice.” is preferable to “Stop yelling at me!”
7. Asking someone “why” tends to invite defensiveness, especially during conflict. Substitute ‘what’ or ‘how’ as in “What was that like?”, “What was important about . . .?” or “How did you decide to . . .?”
8. Resist using ‘but’ when combining/contrasting ideas; substitute ‘and’. ‘But’ tends to negate what’s said before it and may decrease connection, goodwill and trust.
9. Resist telling people ‘who they are’; it tends to invite a defensive response. This includes:
Resist telling people what they are ‘thinking’ or what their state of mind is.
Resist telling people what their ‘perspective’ is.
Resist telling people what their ‘intention’ is.
Resist telling people what they are feeling or should feel.
10. When describing your partner’s behavior report only what a video camera would see and hear. (Refer back to number 9.) Video doesn’t judge, blame, interpret, or assign value to behavior.
11. When your partner is angry remember that they most likely have some kind of vulnerable, anxious, sad, or fear-threat feeling that is not being attended to.
12. It’s non-productive, during an argument, to expect your partner to soothe your hurt feelings or take your perspective when she/he/they are having their own painful and confused experience.
13. Telling your partner what you sincerely like or appreciate about them gives them (and you) energy and increases goodwill.
1. Presume goodwill/good intent from your partner as much as possible.
2. The most important part of good communication is listening to understand your partner’s perspective.
3. You probably don’t understand your partner’s perspective as well as you think you do so keep listening.
4. Inquiring into your partner’s experience is superior to ‘fixing’ perceived problems or ‘teaching’. People who reflexively try to fix someone’s problems and try to teach others without first getting consent to do so often ‘persecute’.
5. Using ‘I’d like’ and ‘I’d prefer’ is the least demanding way to express your ‘selfness’, particularly during conflict.
6. The language of ‘solutions’ is more effective than the language of ‘problems’. For example, “I’d like to save $25 each week.” (solution focused) is preferable to “I need to stop wasting money.” (problem focused) “Please lower your voice.” is preferable to “Stop yelling at me!”
7. Asking someone “why” tends to invite defensiveness, especially during conflict. Substitute ‘what’ or ‘how’ as in “What was that like?”, “What was important about . . .?” or “How did you decide to . . .?”
8. Resist using ‘but’ when combining/contrasting ideas; substitute ‘and’. ‘But’ tends to negate what’s said before it and may decrease connection, goodwill and trust.
9. Resist telling people ‘who they are’; it tends to invite a defensive response. This includes:
Resist telling people what they are ‘thinking’ or what their state of mind is.
Resist telling people what their ‘perspective’ is.
Resist telling people what their ‘intention’ is.
Resist telling people what they are feeling or should feel.
10. When describing your partner’s behavior report only what a video camera would see and hear. (Refer back to number 9.) Video doesn’t judge, blame, interpret, or assign value to behavior.
11. When your partner is angry remember that they most likely have some kind of vulnerable, anxious, sad, or fear-threat feeling that is not being attended to.
12. It’s non-productive, during an argument, to expect your partner to soothe your hurt feelings or take your perspective when she/he/they are having their own painful and confused experience.
13. Telling your partner what you sincerely like or appreciate about them gives them (and you) energy and increases goodwill.
I'd Like/Prefer: Expressing Your 'Selfness.'
May. 03, 2019 02:48 PM
There are many ways to express oneself. Like everyone, you and your partner experience both helpful and unhelpful communication patterns with each other. While no single communication method is foolproof (because people and situations change), you can increase the potential for effective communication of your perspective with one simple rule.
When communicating your perspective (what I call your selfness) on nearly anything (and there are exceptions to this rule) consider saying, “I’d like . . .” or “I’d prefer . . .”. “I’d like Italian food tonight.” “I’d like us to put $50 in savings every month.” “I’d prefer we have only one child until we are able to afford two.” While expressing yourself in this way is no guarantee of a productive conversation, it increases the potential for your perspective to be acknowledged and appreciated. Thinking and speaking this way also has the benefit of encouraging you to ask yourself, “What are my preferences?” Many of us were never encouraged to ask ourselves this question as children but you are entitled to your perspective no matter anyone else’s opinion. ~Doug
When communicating your perspective (what I call your selfness) on nearly anything (and there are exceptions to this rule) consider saying, “I’d like . . .” or “I’d prefer . . .”. “I’d like Italian food tonight.” “I’d like us to put $50 in savings every month.” “I’d prefer we have only one child until we are able to afford two.” While expressing yourself in this way is no guarantee of a productive conversation, it increases the potential for your perspective to be acknowledged and appreciated. Thinking and speaking this way also has the benefit of encouraging you to ask yourself, “What are my preferences?” Many of us were never encouraged to ask ourselves this question as children but you are entitled to your perspective no matter anyone else’s opinion. ~Doug