couples counseling
Deepening Relationship Awareness
Much of what I teach couples, and practice in my own life, is awareness practice. Rarely is the process for deepening awareness a straight line, however. Even if I were to say to you (which I wouldn’t without your assured invitation), “Do this and stop doing that.”, change rarely happens quickly, completely, or so directly. The human psyche is just too convoluted to entirely erase deeply engrained patterns. Especially when under increased stress, many of us may temporarily revert in some way to old patterns of behavior (myself included) until the trouble passes. In this sense, most of us have a psychological limp that makes us uniquely human, can be a bridge to self-compassion, and may increase our empathy for others.
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
- I’d like you to spend some time each day, five to fifteen minutes minimum, answering these three questions for yourself. You are not expected to tell your partner anything about what you experience doing this, unless you want to, even if your partner shares her/his/their experience with you. At our next session together I will ask you both if there is anything about your experience you would like to share. This might be nothing or anything like what the experience of answering the questions was like for you, what you liked or disliked about the experience, or your specific answers to any of the questions. The choice of talking about your experience or not is yours.
- What have you received from your relationship today?
- What have you given to your relationship today?
- What troubles or difficulties have you caused your relationship today?
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
WHAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?
These are strange and stressful times as you well know. I had one of those ‘ah-ha’ moments yesterday: the spontaneous realization of our collective and surreal predicament unexpectedly erupted into my daily ritual of oatmeal, nuts and fruit. “This coronavirus is serious!”, I shuddered. In a flash, my attention surveyed a number of related questions and concerns as the immediate impact, and the potential magnitude, of our existential dilemma rose within my awareness. And then, just as it began, my mind quickly quieted and I went back to cutting my apple. Returning awareness to cutting the apple wasn’t so much denial as it was paying attention to what was right in front of me: cutting the apple with full awareness so that I did not mindlessly cut my finger.
With coronavirus it is particularly urgent to maintain attention to certain behaviors because you may save a life that’s right in front of you. We are instructed, for example, to pay attention to how and when to wash our hands, to how close we stand to others, and to the specifics of how to cough and sneeze. Paying attention, returning awareness to these and other routine behaviors, benefits all of us as we collectively navigate this coronavirus. We all depend on each of us continually practicing awareness in support of everyone’s health and wellbeing.
Maintaining awareness is no less important in your relationship. Paying attention, or not, to how you behave with your partner will either support or erode the collective wellbeing of the relationship. Sincerely inquiring into your partner’s perspective and experience is a crucial awareness, as are many other behaviors like listening without interrupting or trying to fix something, empathizing, apologizing, and using kind language and voice tone. The relationship you save may be your own and she/he/they are right in front of you.
Be well and take care of each other. ~Doug
With coronavirus it is particularly urgent to maintain attention to certain behaviors because you may save a life that’s right in front of you. We are instructed, for example, to pay attention to how and when to wash our hands, to how close we stand to others, and to the specifics of how to cough and sneeze. Paying attention, returning awareness to these and other routine behaviors, benefits all of us as we collectively navigate this coronavirus. We all depend on each of us continually practicing awareness in support of everyone’s health and wellbeing.
Maintaining awareness is no less important in your relationship. Paying attention, or not, to how you behave with your partner will either support or erode the collective wellbeing of the relationship. Sincerely inquiring into your partner’s perspective and experience is a crucial awareness, as are many other behaviors like listening without interrupting or trying to fix something, empathizing, apologizing, and using kind language and voice tone. The relationship you save may be your own and she/he/they are right in front of you.
Be well and take care of each other. ~Doug
Some Biases In Service To Relationship
The following is a list of concepts I frequently return to in my work with couples. As the title of this blog entry states, these are biases of mine that I believe support enjoyable relationship. Because they are biases I encourage my client couples to reflect on each of these and let me know if they agree or might offer a counter bias of their own. Disagreeing isn’t wrong or bad, it just means we get to have a conversation about our differences so we can decide together how to proceed. And this is what most contented couples eventually learn how to do: have confiding conversations about their inevitable differences. ~Doug
1. Presume goodwill/good intent from your partner as much as possible.
2. The most important part of good communication is listening to understand your partner’s perspective.
3. You probably don’t understand your partner’s perspective as well as you think you do so keep listening.
4. Inquiring into your partner’s experience is superior to ‘fixing’ perceived problems or ‘teaching’. People who reflexively try to fix someone’s problems and try to teach others without first getting consent to do so often ‘persecute’.
5. Using ‘I’d like’ and ‘I’d prefer’ is the least demanding way to express your ‘selfness’, particularly during conflict.
6. The language of ‘solutions’ is more effective than the language of ‘problems’. For example, “I’d like to save $25 each week.” (solution focused) is preferable to “I need to stop wasting money.” (problem focused) “Please lower your voice.” is preferable to “Stop yelling at me!”
7. Asking someone “why” tends to invite defensiveness, especially during conflict. Substitute ‘what’ or ‘how’ as in “What was that like?”, “What was important about . . .?” or “How did you decide to . . .?”
8. Resist using ‘but’ when combining/contrasting ideas; substitute ‘and’. ‘But’ tends to negate what’s said before it and may decrease connection, goodwill and trust.
9. Resist telling people ‘who they are’; it tends to invite a defensive response. This includes:
Resist telling people what they are ‘thinking’ or what their state of mind is.
Resist telling people what their ‘perspective’ is.
Resist telling people what their ‘intention’ is.
Resist telling people what they are feeling or should feel.
10. When describing your partner’s behavior report only what a video camera would see and hear. (Refer back to number 9.) Video doesn’t judge, blame, interpret, or assign value to behavior.
11. When your partner is angry remember that they most likely have some kind of vulnerable, anxious, sad, or fear-threat feeling that is not being attended to.
12. It’s non-productive, during an argument, to expect your partner to soothe your hurt feelings or take your perspective when she/he/they are having their own painful and confused experience.
13. Telling your partner what you sincerely like or appreciate about them gives them (and you) energy and increases goodwill.
1. Presume goodwill/good intent from your partner as much as possible.
2. The most important part of good communication is listening to understand your partner’s perspective.
3. You probably don’t understand your partner’s perspective as well as you think you do so keep listening.
4. Inquiring into your partner’s experience is superior to ‘fixing’ perceived problems or ‘teaching’. People who reflexively try to fix someone’s problems and try to teach others without first getting consent to do so often ‘persecute’.
5. Using ‘I’d like’ and ‘I’d prefer’ is the least demanding way to express your ‘selfness’, particularly during conflict.
6. The language of ‘solutions’ is more effective than the language of ‘problems’. For example, “I’d like to save $25 each week.” (solution focused) is preferable to “I need to stop wasting money.” (problem focused) “Please lower your voice.” is preferable to “Stop yelling at me!”
7. Asking someone “why” tends to invite defensiveness, especially during conflict. Substitute ‘what’ or ‘how’ as in “What was that like?”, “What was important about . . .?” or “How did you decide to . . .?”
8. Resist using ‘but’ when combining/contrasting ideas; substitute ‘and’. ‘But’ tends to negate what’s said before it and may decrease connection, goodwill and trust.
9. Resist telling people ‘who they are’; it tends to invite a defensive response. This includes:
Resist telling people what they are ‘thinking’ or what their state of mind is.
Resist telling people what their ‘perspective’ is.
Resist telling people what their ‘intention’ is.
Resist telling people what they are feeling or should feel.
10. When describing your partner’s behavior report only what a video camera would see and hear. (Refer back to number 9.) Video doesn’t judge, blame, interpret, or assign value to behavior.
11. When your partner is angry remember that they most likely have some kind of vulnerable, anxious, sad, or fear-threat feeling that is not being attended to.
12. It’s non-productive, during an argument, to expect your partner to soothe your hurt feelings or take your perspective when she/he/they are having their own painful and confused experience.
13. Telling your partner what you sincerely like or appreciate about them gives them (and you) energy and increases goodwill.
What Supports 'Change'?
Nov. 28, 2018 04:34 PM Filed in: Personal Growth
As my couple therapy clients will attest to, I have my biases and I express them as such because I never want my clients to simply accept my perspective without checking in with themselves about theirs. If we are in disagreement we can then have a collaborative and compassionate conversation about the impasse. That is Collaborative Couple Therapy in a nutshell: People often disagree and, even so, we can still maintain connection as we address the difficulty.
When it comes to increasing the likelihood of favorable change in your relationship (or, for that matter, within yourself or in the environment) I start with a set of foundational beliefs:
Compassion Is More Helpful Than Anger
Although anger can be a motivator for some people within a limited context, it can’t be sustained for extended periods of time without causing harm in one way or another. Compassion, and I focus on self-compassion in particular, invokes friendliness and ‘turning toward’ life rather than pushing against our experiences. The more we are able to cultivate self-compassion, the greater our ability to face all challenges with kindness and curiosity.
It’s OK To Feel Anything You Feel
This is difficult for a lot of people to fully embrace. When I’m OK with anything I feel I can acknowledge and accept the fullness of my humanness, my experience of myself, without shame, guilt or self-condemnation (although, on a meta-level, I can also acknowledge and accept those negative feelings as well). For most of us this ‘OKness’ is, more or less, a continual work in progress.
One reason some people may feel alarmed by this concept is that they fear they may act-out in harmful or hurtful ways once they allow themselves to accept particularly undesirable feelings; the opposite is usually true. All feelings have energy behind them and if you try to ignore, deny, or repress any feeling its energy will eventually express itself in unconscious ways. Accepting your feelings, even unpleasant ones, creates space to respond in creative and decisive ways (with compassion). It’s also important to remember that ‘feeling’ and ‘doing’ are two different things.
Orient To Solutions
When faced with a problem, it’s easy to primarily focus on wanting that problem to stop. “Stop yelling at me” and “I wish I wasn’t so shy” are common types of problems people experience. Orienting to solutions means learning how to better express how you’d like things to be through increasing something or moving toward something rather than away from something. “Please lower your voice” and “I’d like to feel more relaxed in groups” are examples of solutions to these problems. Expressing a solution provides a more specific guide toward something desirable and presupposes the possibility for change. The better you can get at envisioning solutions the more likely you are to reach something approximating your desired solution.
~Doug
When it comes to increasing the likelihood of favorable change in your relationship (or, for that matter, within yourself or in the environment) I start with a set of foundational beliefs:
- Compassion is more helpful than anger
- It’s OK to feel anything you feel
- Orienting to ‘solutions’ rather than to ‘problems’ is most effective.
Compassion Is More Helpful Than Anger
Although anger can be a motivator for some people within a limited context, it can’t be sustained for extended periods of time without causing harm in one way or another. Compassion, and I focus on self-compassion in particular, invokes friendliness and ‘turning toward’ life rather than pushing against our experiences. The more we are able to cultivate self-compassion, the greater our ability to face all challenges with kindness and curiosity.
It’s OK To Feel Anything You Feel
This is difficult for a lot of people to fully embrace. When I’m OK with anything I feel I can acknowledge and accept the fullness of my humanness, my experience of myself, without shame, guilt or self-condemnation (although, on a meta-level, I can also acknowledge and accept those negative feelings as well). For most of us this ‘OKness’ is, more or less, a continual work in progress.
One reason some people may feel alarmed by this concept is that they fear they may act-out in harmful or hurtful ways once they allow themselves to accept particularly undesirable feelings; the opposite is usually true. All feelings have energy behind them and if you try to ignore, deny, or repress any feeling its energy will eventually express itself in unconscious ways. Accepting your feelings, even unpleasant ones, creates space to respond in creative and decisive ways (with compassion). It’s also important to remember that ‘feeling’ and ‘doing’ are two different things.
Orient To Solutions
When faced with a problem, it’s easy to primarily focus on wanting that problem to stop. “Stop yelling at me” and “I wish I wasn’t so shy” are common types of problems people experience. Orienting to solutions means learning how to better express how you’d like things to be through increasing something or moving toward something rather than away from something. “Please lower your voice” and “I’d like to feel more relaxed in groups” are examples of solutions to these problems. Expressing a solution provides a more specific guide toward something desirable and presupposes the possibility for change. The better you can get at envisioning solutions the more likely you are to reach something approximating your desired solution.
~Doug
Does Couple Therapy Work?
Jan. 04, 2019 11:04 AM Filed in: The Art Of Psychotherapy
Couple therapy is not a passive endeavor; it requires specific kinds of intention and attention to the matter at hand from both therapist and client couple. As is often said, ‘You get out of something whatever you put into it.’ It’s no different with couple therapy. If you value your relationship and want to better understand, grow and strengthen it, it will be necessary for you and your partner to intentionally tend to its cultivation just as a one tends to a garden’s fruits and weeds alike.
And what’s the therapist’s role? It’s complex and, in the hands of a master therapist, often more art than science. You read that right; with all that’s been made of Evidence Based Treatment the most important variables determining successful therapeutic outcomes are still ‘relationship factors’.* Specifically, how do clients experience the therapist?
For example, do I trust the therapist? Is s/he interested in me as a unique individual? Does s/he strive to embody the values s/he professes? Does s/he take responsibility for her mistakes? Do I feel increasingly free to express my authentic self in her presence? Can s/he clearly and consistently describe her particular therapeutic model? Do I feel safe to disagree with or question her perspective?
Obviously none of these qualities can be satisfied in just one therapy session and I believe it is the therapist’s responsibility to intentionally cultivate, over time, a therapeutic environment in which clients may increasingly answer such questions in the affirmative. Such intention by the therapist necessarily persists throughout the course of the therapeutic relationship. Furthermore, couple therapy requires therapists satisfy these and other domains for two people, not just one. As you might imagine, that can be a tall order. After all, therapists are just as human as you are and, when you and your partner disagree, the therapist’s response to each of you as individuals (from within the therapist’s own experiences and biases) will determine whether only one or both of you feel safe, cared for and respected.
Does couple therapy work? Yes, especially when both therapist and client couple cultivate sincere intention and attention to specific factors. However, the quality of the therapist’s repeated attention to satisfying questions like those above can go a long way toward inspiring clients to authentically engage in the process. I put the quality of your experience with me, my relationship with each of you, as my continuing priority in each session as I also help each of you make your relationship with each other your priority. ~Doug
*The Heart & Soul of Change: What Works in Therapy, Mark A. Hubble, Barry L. Duncan, Scott D. Miller, Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association, 1999.
And what’s the therapist’s role? It’s complex and, in the hands of a master therapist, often more art than science. You read that right; with all that’s been made of Evidence Based Treatment the most important variables determining successful therapeutic outcomes are still ‘relationship factors’.* Specifically, how do clients experience the therapist?
For example, do I trust the therapist? Is s/he interested in me as a unique individual? Does s/he strive to embody the values s/he professes? Does s/he take responsibility for her mistakes? Do I feel increasingly free to express my authentic self in her presence? Can s/he clearly and consistently describe her particular therapeutic model? Do I feel safe to disagree with or question her perspective?
Obviously none of these qualities can be satisfied in just one therapy session and I believe it is the therapist’s responsibility to intentionally cultivate, over time, a therapeutic environment in which clients may increasingly answer such questions in the affirmative. Such intention by the therapist necessarily persists throughout the course of the therapeutic relationship. Furthermore, couple therapy requires therapists satisfy these and other domains for two people, not just one. As you might imagine, that can be a tall order. After all, therapists are just as human as you are and, when you and your partner disagree, the therapist’s response to each of you as individuals (from within the therapist’s own experiences and biases) will determine whether only one or both of you feel safe, cared for and respected.
Does couple therapy work? Yes, especially when both therapist and client couple cultivate sincere intention and attention to specific factors. However, the quality of the therapist’s repeated attention to satisfying questions like those above can go a long way toward inspiring clients to authentically engage in the process. I put the quality of your experience with me, my relationship with each of you, as my continuing priority in each session as I also help each of you make your relationship with each other your priority. ~Doug
*The Heart & Soul of Change: What Works in Therapy, Mark A. Hubble, Barry L. Duncan, Scott D. Miller, Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association, 1999.
Collaborative Couple Therapy Explained
Feb. 28, 2017 05:53 PM Filed in: Collaborative Couple Therapy
Couples counseling is the sole focus of my private practice and for some time now I’ve wanted to write a succinct description of the primary model I work from: Collaborative Couple Therapy (CCT). Recently I spoke to a group of local therapists about my work with CCT and I provided the following primer as a foundation for my talk. It may be a little wonkish but I hope it provides some helpful information.
Originated by Daniel Wile, Ph.D., Collaborative Couple Therapy suggests that most relationship problems emerge from a loss of voice: An inability to adequately express one’s leading edge feelings, in other words, the authentic, often vulnerable, thoughts and feelings we all have from moment to moment. CCT attributes loss of voice to a lack of entitlement from freely expressing these authentic, vulnerable feelings due to self-critical beliefs. Inhibited from acknowledging uncomfortable feelings like shame, anxiety, self-doubt, or even desire during conflict, people often resort to fighting with or withdrawing from their partners.
The foundational task of CCT is to help couples have intimate conversations about their problems through relating with each other as allies and confidants. In a collaborative conversation partners talk with each other as if observing the problem from a platform, suspended high above the fray, looking down at the situation and people with compassionate curiosity, awareness, and reflection. To facilitate these conversations, the therapist often speaks for both members of the couple at strategic moments to model and promote platform conversations within the couple and between the therapist and each individual. The method for doing this is called doubling (adapted from Jacob Moreno’s Psychodrama Therapy).
The ongoing question for the CCT therapist is, “How can I help this couple have an intimate conversation about their present dilemma?” CCT solves the moment, rather than specific complaints, by gently returning to each individual’s expression of her leading edge feeling to her partner. Leading edge feelings are what is most “alive” or relevant for each person in the present moment. In this way, even arguments are an opportunity to deepen emotional intimacy when we permit ourselves to reveal our hidden and sometimes haunting feelings and vulnerabilities. --Doug
Originated by Daniel Wile, Ph.D., Collaborative Couple Therapy suggests that most relationship problems emerge from a loss of voice: An inability to adequately express one’s leading edge feelings, in other words, the authentic, often vulnerable, thoughts and feelings we all have from moment to moment. CCT attributes loss of voice to a lack of entitlement from freely expressing these authentic, vulnerable feelings due to self-critical beliefs. Inhibited from acknowledging uncomfortable feelings like shame, anxiety, self-doubt, or even desire during conflict, people often resort to fighting with or withdrawing from their partners.
The foundational task of CCT is to help couples have intimate conversations about their problems through relating with each other as allies and confidants. In a collaborative conversation partners talk with each other as if observing the problem from a platform, suspended high above the fray, looking down at the situation and people with compassionate curiosity, awareness, and reflection. To facilitate these conversations, the therapist often speaks for both members of the couple at strategic moments to model and promote platform conversations within the couple and between the therapist and each individual. The method for doing this is called doubling (adapted from Jacob Moreno’s Psychodrama Therapy).
The ongoing question for the CCT therapist is, “How can I help this couple have an intimate conversation about their present dilemma?” CCT solves the moment, rather than specific complaints, by gently returning to each individual’s expression of her leading edge feeling to her partner. Leading edge feelings are what is most “alive” or relevant for each person in the present moment. In this way, even arguments are an opportunity to deepen emotional intimacy when we permit ourselves to reveal our hidden and sometimes haunting feelings and vulnerabilities. --Doug
'Doubling Down' On "Doubling" In Collaborative Couple Therapy
Dec. 09, 2013 03:11 PM Filed in: Collaborative Couple Therapy
Recently I wrote about one aspect of a training experience with Dan Wile, Ph.D., the originator of Collaborative Couple Therapy. As stated then, I will continue to write about Dan’s work as I deepen my understanding. I believe there is a subtlety to his model that is powerfully transformative. In the mean time I was struck by an additional insight from my experience in the November consulting group. In my original entry I wrote “Dan’s perspective is compassionate and particularly attentive to not ‘rebuking’ clients in even the smallest way.” I now have a more nuanced understanding of this.
Inherent in Dan’s methodology, I think, is a faith that individuals have the capacity to generate compassion for each other (and for ourselves) through the process of experiencing “confiding” and “intimate” conversations. Whatever the outcome of any particular conversation, I think Dan trusts this human capacity within all of us. (For the therapist to behave otherwise would certainly not model trust.) Collaborative Couple Therapy never works in opposition to the client’s perspective because of that trust. At her best, the therapist remains perpetually curious about the client’s experience, persistently refining understanding of that perspective in the ebb and flow of the conversation. This is gentle and patient route finding, deftly navigating shoals and eddies, allowing the river to reveal itself on its own terms. In that revealing, compassionate understanding naturally blooms. Great stuff!
--Doug
Inherent in Dan’s methodology, I think, is a faith that individuals have the capacity to generate compassion for each other (and for ourselves) through the process of experiencing “confiding” and “intimate” conversations. Whatever the outcome of any particular conversation, I think Dan trusts this human capacity within all of us. (For the therapist to behave otherwise would certainly not model trust.) Collaborative Couple Therapy never works in opposition to the client’s perspective because of that trust. At her best, the therapist remains perpetually curious about the client’s experience, persistently refining understanding of that perspective in the ebb and flow of the conversation. This is gentle and patient route finding, deftly navigating shoals and eddies, allowing the river to reveal itself on its own terms. In that revealing, compassionate understanding naturally blooms. Great stuff!
--Doug
Dan Wile & Collaborative Couple Therapy
Nov. 25, 2013 10:18 AM Filed in: Collaborative Couple Therapy
In September I participated in a two day intensive training in "Collaborative Couple Therapy” with its originator, Dan Wile, Ph.D. I had heard a lot of positive things about Dan, although I had never read any of his books. I was so impressed by the experience that I flew down to Oakland, California, Dan's home, to participate in a therapist consultation he conducts. These monthly three hour meetings are an opportunity for therapists to refine their skills employing Dan's methodology for helping couples.
There are many therapeutic perspectives that help couples navigate difficulties in relationship. All of these perspectives are imperfect from the standpoint that people and their intimate relationships are unique. Many of these differing perspectives have shared beliefs and assumptions, however. Differences are often about where the therapist's attention and emphasis are primarily placed. The structure that any particular therapist uses has much to do with his own psychological perspective.
From my perspective, Dan Wile’s Collaborative Couple Therapy deeply resonates with me. I look forward to writing more about Dan's view in subsequent articles as I further my understanding. For now I'd like to give a very small taste of the content from the November consultation.
"Doubling" is one of Dan's concepts that supports "intimate conversations" between partners during a therapy session. When a therapist doubles she literally speaks for each member of the couple as a way to better clarify and understand the emotion each is feeling. In Dan's own words, I "speak as if I were that person talking to the other partner. I translate that person's angry, defensive, or avoidant comment into a collaborative, confiding one.”* This structure can quickly build confidence in a client that the therapist understands his perspective while simultaneously modeling behavior that invites each member of the couple to better understand himself and other. Fundamentally, Dan's perspective is compassionate and particularly attentive to not "rebuking" clients in even the smallest way. More on all of this in future blogs. --Doug
*http://danwile.com/2013/11/a-little-doubling-can-go-a-long-way/
There are many therapeutic perspectives that help couples navigate difficulties in relationship. All of these perspectives are imperfect from the standpoint that people and their intimate relationships are unique. Many of these differing perspectives have shared beliefs and assumptions, however. Differences are often about where the therapist's attention and emphasis are primarily placed. The structure that any particular therapist uses has much to do with his own psychological perspective.
From my perspective, Dan Wile’s Collaborative Couple Therapy deeply resonates with me. I look forward to writing more about Dan's view in subsequent articles as I further my understanding. For now I'd like to give a very small taste of the content from the November consultation.
"Doubling" is one of Dan's concepts that supports "intimate conversations" between partners during a therapy session. When a therapist doubles she literally speaks for each member of the couple as a way to better clarify and understand the emotion each is feeling. In Dan's own words, I "speak as if I were that person talking to the other partner. I translate that person's angry, defensive, or avoidant comment into a collaborative, confiding one.”* This structure can quickly build confidence in a client that the therapist understands his perspective while simultaneously modeling behavior that invites each member of the couple to better understand himself and other. Fundamentally, Dan's perspective is compassionate and particularly attentive to not "rebuking" clients in even the smallest way. More on all of this in future blogs. --Doug
*http://danwile.com/2013/11/a-little-doubling-can-go-a-long-way/