self-intimacy
How To Heal Your Relationship Through Forgiveness
Jul. 09, 2020 11:32 AM Filed in: Relationship Help | Conflict
When we first contemplate forgiveness in relationship we often think either, “How will I forgive you?” or “Will you forgive me?” But neither of these is the best starting place for healing your relationship through forgiveness. If I truly believe that the most important relationship I can have in the world is with myself, then forgiveness must start with self-forgiveness. Self- forgiveness is a process commensurate with and not altogether different from self- compassion.
To forgive someone, or to be ready to integrate someone forgiving you, start with forgiving yourself. Start by acknowledging and accepting responsibility for all the ways, both large and small, you have not been and are still not the kind of friend, family member, partner, parent or spouse you would like to be. Do this without intentionally shaming yourself (although you may feel shame) and without demeaning yourself (although you may feel less-than). This is an act of simply laying bare, with self-compassion, the “truth” about being human that none of us escapes: our own individual imperfection.
When we open our hearts to the truth of our own imperfection and see with simple and clear awareness how we not only abandon others but routinely abandon ourselves (i.e., through self-loathing, self-denying, withholding love, etc.), our hearts soften and we experience, in the words of an old zen parable, heaven.* This softening helps us see ourselves in the trespasses of others and to joyfully celebrate the pardons of those we have hurt.
In the final estimation, experiencing the love and joy you would like in the world starts with cultivating these for yourself and includes learning to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness strengthens your ability to acknowledge how you’ve hurt others and how you hurt yourself through self-abandonment. Forgiving yourself for your own human imperfections enables you to see yourself in others and to understand how to forgive those you love. ~Doug
* A samurai warrior wanted to understand and transcend the apparent opposites of heaven and hell to be a better fighter. So he sought out a particular zen monk to teach him. Arriving unannounced at the little monk’s door the samurai abruptly demanded, “Monk, teach me about heaven and hell!”
The little old monk was just finishing a cup of tea and he quietly set down the cup and peered straight into the samurai’s eyes. Unflinchingly he replied, “How dare you barge into my home and demand that I teach you! Just look at you: Overgrown, dirty! You couldn’t begin to understand what I have to teach. Why, I’m certain even your weapon is rusty!”
Enraged, the mighty samurai pulled out his sword and prepared to slice the monk in two. As he raised the blade over his head the monk calmly stated, “That’s hell.”
Instantly the samurai understood. He lowered his weapon and fell to the ground weeping with appreciation for the little zen monk who had risked his life to impart this great teaching. As the samurai softly cried the monk said gently, “And that’s heaven.”
To forgive someone, or to be ready to integrate someone forgiving you, start with forgiving yourself. Start by acknowledging and accepting responsibility for all the ways, both large and small, you have not been and are still not the kind of friend, family member, partner, parent or spouse you would like to be. Do this without intentionally shaming yourself (although you may feel shame) and without demeaning yourself (although you may feel less-than). This is an act of simply laying bare, with self-compassion, the “truth” about being human that none of us escapes: our own individual imperfection.
When we open our hearts to the truth of our own imperfection and see with simple and clear awareness how we not only abandon others but routinely abandon ourselves (i.e., through self-loathing, self-denying, withholding love, etc.), our hearts soften and we experience, in the words of an old zen parable, heaven.* This softening helps us see ourselves in the trespasses of others and to joyfully celebrate the pardons of those we have hurt.
In the final estimation, experiencing the love and joy you would like in the world starts with cultivating these for yourself and includes learning to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness strengthens your ability to acknowledge how you’ve hurt others and how you hurt yourself through self-abandonment. Forgiving yourself for your own human imperfections enables you to see yourself in others and to understand how to forgive those you love. ~Doug
* A samurai warrior wanted to understand and transcend the apparent opposites of heaven and hell to be a better fighter. So he sought out a particular zen monk to teach him. Arriving unannounced at the little monk’s door the samurai abruptly demanded, “Monk, teach me about heaven and hell!”
The little old monk was just finishing a cup of tea and he quietly set down the cup and peered straight into the samurai’s eyes. Unflinchingly he replied, “How dare you barge into my home and demand that I teach you! Just look at you: Overgrown, dirty! You couldn’t begin to understand what I have to teach. Why, I’m certain even your weapon is rusty!”
Enraged, the mighty samurai pulled out his sword and prepared to slice the monk in two. As he raised the blade over his head the monk calmly stated, “That’s hell.”
Instantly the samurai understood. He lowered his weapon and fell to the ground weeping with appreciation for the little zen monk who had risked his life to impart this great teaching. As the samurai softly cried the monk said gently, “And that’s heaven.”
Deepening Relationship Awareness
Much of what I teach couples, and practice in my own life, is awareness practice. Rarely is the process for deepening awareness a straight line, however. Even if I were to say to you (which I wouldn’t without your assured invitation), “Do this and stop doing that.”, change rarely happens quickly, completely, or so directly. The human psyche is just too convoluted to entirely erase deeply engrained patterns. Especially when under increased stress, many of us may temporarily revert in some way to old patterns of behavior (myself included) until the trouble passes. In this sense, most of us have a psychological limp that makes us uniquely human, can be a bridge to self-compassion, and may increase our empathy for others.
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
- I’d like you to spend some time each day, five to fifteen minutes minimum, answering these three questions for yourself. You are not expected to tell your partner anything about what you experience doing this, unless you want to, even if your partner shares her/his/their experience with you. At our next session together I will ask you both if there is anything about your experience you would like to share. This might be nothing or anything like what the experience of answering the questions was like for you, what you liked or disliked about the experience, or your specific answers to any of the questions. The choice of talking about your experience or not is yours.
- What have you received from your relationship today?
- What have you given to your relationship today?
- What troubles or difficulties have you caused your relationship today?
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
Intimacy Begins with Self-Intimacy
Nov. 16, 2013 10:54 AM Filed in: Intimacy
This blog is about deepening intimacy in relationship. By intimacy I mean to say an experience in which people authentically and intentionally reveal themselves; reveal their internal emotional experience of self, their struggles, hopes, and desires. Intimate relationships, I believe, always begin with self-intimacy; this is because, in order to authentically reveal myself to another, I must first reveal myself to me. This is not so obvious as might first appear.
Most of us have aspects of ourselves that we feel uncomfortable with or discouraged about. Because there is stress or emotional pain associated with such aspects, many people cope with that stress by suppressing or repressing thoughts associated with the pain. Depending on the circumstances, coping in these ways can be helpful. However, although these aspects are hidden from conscious awareness, they are still expressed through a person’s behavior. Unconscious expression of hidden emotion can lead to behaviors that cause people added pain.
The first step toward healing pain of any kind is acknowledging and accepting that pain within yourself; that’s self-intimacy. In time this may lead to deeper awareness of hidden emotion that gets expressed unconsciously (sometimes called ‘sideways behavior’). From this place of awareness you may more confidently reveal your internal experiences to your mate or partner. Another word for this is transparency. When we cultivate intimacy with ourselves and with others we become more transparent and more accepting of ourselves.
Here’s the takeaway: Intimacy is cultivated through revealing your internal emotions to others. If you would like to deepen emotional intimacy with someone start by deepening your awareness of your own internal process: your likes and dislikes, your fears and your joys. Examine more closely what it’s like being you in all aspects of living your life. No doubt that examination will be a mix of appreciation and discomfort; and with practice you can accept the fullness of your life (both the pain and the joy) and more confidently reveal yourself to others. --Doug
Most of us have aspects of ourselves that we feel uncomfortable with or discouraged about. Because there is stress or emotional pain associated with such aspects, many people cope with that stress by suppressing or repressing thoughts associated with the pain. Depending on the circumstances, coping in these ways can be helpful. However, although these aspects are hidden from conscious awareness, they are still expressed through a person’s behavior. Unconscious expression of hidden emotion can lead to behaviors that cause people added pain.
The first step toward healing pain of any kind is acknowledging and accepting that pain within yourself; that’s self-intimacy. In time this may lead to deeper awareness of hidden emotion that gets expressed unconsciously (sometimes called ‘sideways behavior’). From this place of awareness you may more confidently reveal your internal experiences to your mate or partner. Another word for this is transparency. When we cultivate intimacy with ourselves and with others we become more transparent and more accepting of ourselves.
Here’s the takeaway: Intimacy is cultivated through revealing your internal emotions to others. If you would like to deepen emotional intimacy with someone start by deepening your awareness of your own internal process: your likes and dislikes, your fears and your joys. Examine more closely what it’s like being you in all aspects of living your life. No doubt that examination will be a mix of appreciation and discomfort; and with practice you can accept the fullness of your life (both the pain and the joy) and more confidently reveal yourself to others. --Doug