Confident Relationships
Some Biases In Service To Relationship
Mar. 03, 2020 08:20 PM
The following is a list of concepts I frequently return to in my work with couples. As the title of this blog entry states, these are biases of mine that I believe support enjoyable relationship. Because they are biases I encourage my client couples to reflect on each of these and let me know if they agree or might offer a counter bias of their own. Disagreeing isn’t wrong or bad, it just means we get to have a conversation about our differences so we can decide together how to proceed. And this is what most contented couples eventually learn how to do: have confiding conversations about their inevitable differences. ~Doug
1. Presume goodwill/good intent from your partner as much as possible.
2. The most important part of good communication is listening to understand your partner’s perspective.
3. You probably don’t understand your partner’s perspective as well as you think you do so keep listening.
4. Inquiring into your partner’s experience is superior to ‘fixing’ perceived problems or ‘teaching’. People who reflexively try to fix someone’s problems and try to teach others without first getting consent to do so often ‘persecute’.
5. Using ‘I’d like’ and ‘I’d prefer’ is the least demanding way to express your ‘selfness’, particularly during conflict.
6. The language of ‘solutions’ is more effective than the language of ‘problems’. For example, “I’d like to save $25 each week.” (solution focused) is preferable to “I need to stop wasting money.” (problem focused) “Please lower your voice.” is preferable to “Stop yelling at me!”
7. Asking someone “why” tends to invite defensiveness, especially during conflict. Substitute ‘what’ or ‘how’ as in “What was that like?”, “What was important about . . .?” or “How did you decide to . . .?”
8. Resist using ‘but’ when combining/contrasting ideas; substitute ‘and’. ‘But’ tends to negate what’s said before it and may decrease connection, goodwill and trust.
9. Resist telling people ‘who they are’; it tends to invite a defensive response. This includes:
Resist telling people what they are ‘thinking’ or what their state of mind is.
Resist telling people what their ‘perspective’ is.
Resist telling people what their ‘intention’ is.
Resist telling people what they are feeling or should feel.
10. When describing your partner’s behavior report only what a video camera would see and hear. (Refer back to number 9.) Video doesn’t judge, blame, interpret, or assign value to behavior.
11. When your partner is angry remember that they most likely have some kind of vulnerable, anxious, sad, or fear-threat feeling that is not being attended to.
12. It’s non-productive, during an argument, to expect your partner to soothe your hurt feelings or take your perspective when she/he/they are having their own painful and confused experience.
13. Telling your partner what you sincerely like or appreciate about them gives them (and you) energy and increases goodwill.
1. Presume goodwill/good intent from your partner as much as possible.
2. The most important part of good communication is listening to understand your partner’s perspective.
3. You probably don’t understand your partner’s perspective as well as you think you do so keep listening.
4. Inquiring into your partner’s experience is superior to ‘fixing’ perceived problems or ‘teaching’. People who reflexively try to fix someone’s problems and try to teach others without first getting consent to do so often ‘persecute’.
5. Using ‘I’d like’ and ‘I’d prefer’ is the least demanding way to express your ‘selfness’, particularly during conflict.
6. The language of ‘solutions’ is more effective than the language of ‘problems’. For example, “I’d like to save $25 each week.” (solution focused) is preferable to “I need to stop wasting money.” (problem focused) “Please lower your voice.” is preferable to “Stop yelling at me!”
7. Asking someone “why” tends to invite defensiveness, especially during conflict. Substitute ‘what’ or ‘how’ as in “What was that like?”, “What was important about . . .?” or “How did you decide to . . .?”
8. Resist using ‘but’ when combining/contrasting ideas; substitute ‘and’. ‘But’ tends to negate what’s said before it and may decrease connection, goodwill and trust.
9. Resist telling people ‘who they are’; it tends to invite a defensive response. This includes:
Resist telling people what they are ‘thinking’ or what their state of mind is.
Resist telling people what their ‘perspective’ is.
Resist telling people what their ‘intention’ is.
Resist telling people what they are feeling or should feel.
10. When describing your partner’s behavior report only what a video camera would see and hear. (Refer back to number 9.) Video doesn’t judge, blame, interpret, or assign value to behavior.
11. When your partner is angry remember that they most likely have some kind of vulnerable, anxious, sad, or fear-threat feeling that is not being attended to.
12. It’s non-productive, during an argument, to expect your partner to soothe your hurt feelings or take your perspective when she/he/they are having their own painful and confused experience.
13. Telling your partner what you sincerely like or appreciate about them gives them (and you) energy and increases goodwill.
"So Happy Together": Building Confident Relationships
Nov. 21, 2013 01:01 PM
Remember the ‘60s song by The Turtles? “Imagine me and you; I do. I Think about you day and night . . .So happy together.” Since the dawn of romance both men and women have been professing love for their beloved. In popular music these declarations are often a testament of the crooner’s desire for the beloved, something along the lines of “without you I am nobody.”
Popular culture reflects truths about the culture as a whole. Many people believe that once they are with someone they love the relationship will give them happiness. Intimate relationships certainly can inspire happiness. They can also generate fear, anxiety, worry, and even depression. The truth is that many of us, perhaps most, hunger for the joy and run from the pain.
Cultivating the kind of trust and happiness we desire in relationship requires us, I believe, to transparently reveal ourselves to those we love. Doing so forges intimacy. There is a risk in this, however; that either you or your partner may experience pain through the process of authentic self-disclosure. “Intimacy,” writes Dr. David Schnarch, “is not for the faint of heart.”
While many factors can contribute to happy relationships, I believe it is confidence that deeply promotes happiness. One aspect is the confidence within yourself to soothe your own hurt and pain when the mud and arrows fly. Confidence grows as you learn to take responsibility for and attend to your own emotional pain. In doing so it becomes easier to reveal yourself to your mate (whatever the perceived risk) and to accept the same from her/him without blaming. You can increasingly trust your ability to self-soothe.
Most of us, I believe, desire a partner who is emotionally strong and supportive. We’d like someone who can skillfully weather the inevitable problems in the relationship. But there’s a ‘catch’ with this: We desire this so that we can relax; we want to feel safely supported by a confident and calm mate. In other words, we want our mate to soothe us when the relationship feels rough. What we rarely realize is that he/she probably desires the same in reverse.
One facet that helps confident relationships grow is learning to trust one’s own ability to self-soothe. As we build trust in ourselves we can also begin to trust that our partner is attending to herself/himself in much the same way. Relationship has many enjoyable benefits. Trusting that you and your partner can take responsibility for your own emotional pain can help you be happy together. --Doug
Popular culture reflects truths about the culture as a whole. Many people believe that once they are with someone they love the relationship will give them happiness. Intimate relationships certainly can inspire happiness. They can also generate fear, anxiety, worry, and even depression. The truth is that many of us, perhaps most, hunger for the joy and run from the pain.
Cultivating the kind of trust and happiness we desire in relationship requires us, I believe, to transparently reveal ourselves to those we love. Doing so forges intimacy. There is a risk in this, however; that either you or your partner may experience pain through the process of authentic self-disclosure. “Intimacy,” writes Dr. David Schnarch, “is not for the faint of heart.”
While many factors can contribute to happy relationships, I believe it is confidence that deeply promotes happiness. One aspect is the confidence within yourself to soothe your own hurt and pain when the mud and arrows fly. Confidence grows as you learn to take responsibility for and attend to your own emotional pain. In doing so it becomes easier to reveal yourself to your mate (whatever the perceived risk) and to accept the same from her/him without blaming. You can increasingly trust your ability to self-soothe.
Most of us, I believe, desire a partner who is emotionally strong and supportive. We’d like someone who can skillfully weather the inevitable problems in the relationship. But there’s a ‘catch’ with this: We desire this so that we can relax; we want to feel safely supported by a confident and calm mate. In other words, we want our mate to soothe us when the relationship feels rough. What we rarely realize is that he/she probably desires the same in reverse.
One facet that helps confident relationships grow is learning to trust one’s own ability to self-soothe. As we build trust in ourselves we can also begin to trust that our partner is attending to herself/himself in much the same way. Relationship has many enjoyable benefits. Trusting that you and your partner can take responsibility for your own emotional pain can help you be happy together. --Doug