Intimacy
Deepening Relationship Awareness
Apr. 24, 2020 08:33 PM
Much of what I teach couples, and practice in my own life, is awareness practice. Rarely is the process for deepening awareness a straight line, however. Even if I were to say to you (which I wouldn’t without your assured invitation), “Do this and stop doing that.”, change rarely happens quickly, completely, or so directly. The human psyche is just too convoluted to entirely erase deeply engrained patterns. Especially when under increased stress, many of us may temporarily revert in some way to old patterns of behavior (myself included) until the trouble passes. In this sense, most of us have a psychological limp that makes us uniquely human, can be a bridge to self-compassion, and may increase our empathy for others.
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
- I’d like you to spend some time each day, five to fifteen minutes minimum, answering these three questions for yourself. You are not expected to tell your partner anything about what you experience doing this, unless you want to, even if your partner shares her/his/their experience with you. At our next session together I will ask you both if there is anything about your experience you would like to share. This might be nothing or anything like what the experience of answering the questions was like for you, what you liked or disliked about the experience, or your specific answers to any of the questions. The choice of talking about your experience or not is yours.
- What have you received from your relationship today?
- What have you given to your relationship today?
- What troubles or difficulties have you caused your relationship today?
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
Some Biases In Service To Relationship
Mar. 03, 2020 08:20 PM
The following is a list of concepts I frequently return to in my work with couples. As the title of this blog entry states, these are biases of mine that I believe support enjoyable relationship. Because they are biases I encourage my client couples to reflect on each of these and let me know if they agree or might offer a counter bias of their own. Disagreeing isn’t wrong or bad, it just means we get to have a conversation about our differences so we can decide together how to proceed. And this is what most contented couples eventually learn how to do: have confiding conversations about their inevitable differences. ~Doug
1. Presume goodwill/good intent from your partner as much as possible.
2. The most important part of good communication is listening to understand your partner’s perspective.
3. You probably don’t understand your partner’s perspective as well as you think you do so keep listening.
4. Inquiring into your partner’s experience is superior to ‘fixing’ perceived problems or ‘teaching’. People who reflexively try to fix someone’s problems and try to teach others without first getting consent to do so often ‘persecute’.
5. Using ‘I’d like’ and ‘I’d prefer’ is the least demanding way to express your ‘selfness’, particularly during conflict.
6. The language of ‘solutions’ is more effective than the language of ‘problems’. For example, “I’d like to save $25 each week.” (solution focused) is preferable to “I need to stop wasting money.” (problem focused) “Please lower your voice.” is preferable to “Stop yelling at me!”
7. Asking someone “why” tends to invite defensiveness, especially during conflict. Substitute ‘what’ or ‘how’ as in “What was that like?”, “What was important about . . .?” or “How did you decide to . . .?”
8. Resist using ‘but’ when combining/contrasting ideas; substitute ‘and’. ‘But’ tends to negate what’s said before it and may decrease connection, goodwill and trust.
9. Resist telling people ‘who they are’; it tends to invite a defensive response. This includes:
Resist telling people what they are ‘thinking’ or what their state of mind is.
Resist telling people what their ‘perspective’ is.
Resist telling people what their ‘intention’ is.
Resist telling people what they are feeling or should feel.
10. When describing your partner’s behavior report only what a video camera would see and hear. (Refer back to number 9.) Video doesn’t judge, blame, interpret, or assign value to behavior.
11. When your partner is angry remember that they most likely have some kind of vulnerable, anxious, sad, or fear-threat feeling that is not being attended to.
12. It’s non-productive, during an argument, to expect your partner to soothe your hurt feelings or take your perspective when she/he/they are having their own painful and confused experience.
13. Telling your partner what you sincerely like or appreciate about them gives them (and you) energy and increases goodwill.
1. Presume goodwill/good intent from your partner as much as possible.
2. The most important part of good communication is listening to understand your partner’s perspective.
3. You probably don’t understand your partner’s perspective as well as you think you do so keep listening.
4. Inquiring into your partner’s experience is superior to ‘fixing’ perceived problems or ‘teaching’. People who reflexively try to fix someone’s problems and try to teach others without first getting consent to do so often ‘persecute’.
5. Using ‘I’d like’ and ‘I’d prefer’ is the least demanding way to express your ‘selfness’, particularly during conflict.
6. The language of ‘solutions’ is more effective than the language of ‘problems’. For example, “I’d like to save $25 each week.” (solution focused) is preferable to “I need to stop wasting money.” (problem focused) “Please lower your voice.” is preferable to “Stop yelling at me!”
7. Asking someone “why” tends to invite defensiveness, especially during conflict. Substitute ‘what’ or ‘how’ as in “What was that like?”, “What was important about . . .?” or “How did you decide to . . .?”
8. Resist using ‘but’ when combining/contrasting ideas; substitute ‘and’. ‘But’ tends to negate what’s said before it and may decrease connection, goodwill and trust.
9. Resist telling people ‘who they are’; it tends to invite a defensive response. This includes:
Resist telling people what they are ‘thinking’ or what their state of mind is.
Resist telling people what their ‘perspective’ is.
Resist telling people what their ‘intention’ is.
Resist telling people what they are feeling or should feel.
10. When describing your partner’s behavior report only what a video camera would see and hear. (Refer back to number 9.) Video doesn’t judge, blame, interpret, or assign value to behavior.
11. When your partner is angry remember that they most likely have some kind of vulnerable, anxious, sad, or fear-threat feeling that is not being attended to.
12. It’s non-productive, during an argument, to expect your partner to soothe your hurt feelings or take your perspective when she/he/they are having their own painful and confused experience.
13. Telling your partner what you sincerely like or appreciate about them gives them (and you) energy and increases goodwill.
I'd Like/Prefer: Expressing Your 'Selfness.'
May. 03, 2019 02:48 PM
There are many ways to express oneself. Like everyone, you and your partner experience both helpful and unhelpful communication patterns with each other. While no single communication method is foolproof (because people and situations change), you can increase the potential for effective communication of your perspective with one simple rule.
When communicating your perspective (what I call your selfness) on nearly anything (and there are exceptions to this rule) consider saying, “I’d like . . .” or “I’d prefer . . .”. “I’d like Italian food tonight.” “I’d like us to put $50 in savings every month.” “I’d prefer we have only one child until we are able to afford two.” While expressing yourself in this way is no guarantee of a productive conversation, it increases the potential for your perspective to be acknowledged and appreciated. Thinking and speaking this way also has the benefit of encouraging you to ask yourself, “What are my preferences?” Many of us were never encouraged to ask ourselves this question as children but you are entitled to your perspective no matter anyone else’s opinion. ~Doug
When communicating your perspective (what I call your selfness) on nearly anything (and there are exceptions to this rule) consider saying, “I’d like . . .” or “I’d prefer . . .”. “I’d like Italian food tonight.” “I’d like us to put $50 in savings every month.” “I’d prefer we have only one child until we are able to afford two.” While expressing yourself in this way is no guarantee of a productive conversation, it increases the potential for your perspective to be acknowledged and appreciated. Thinking and speaking this way also has the benefit of encouraging you to ask yourself, “What are my preferences?” Many of us were never encouraged to ask ourselves this question as children but you are entitled to your perspective no matter anyone else’s opinion. ~Doug
Intimacy: The Alchemy Of Fear
Mar. 24, 2016 07:07 AM
What a privilege it is to witness the hearts and minds of the couples I see in my therapy practice. It’s humbling to be in the presence of two people sincerely plumbing the depths of human experience: How to see and be seen, how to understand and be understood, and how to love and be loved? Our hearts are eminently delicate even when they appear calloused and hardened, and so all the more delicate. When I experience two hearts/minds struggling to both give and receive, my heart opens and my humanity is replenished.
Couples therapist Dr. David Schnarch writes, “Intimacy is not for the faint of heart” and yet I also believe that deep intimacy takes courage; courage that always contains fear. Fear is intrinsic to human experience and is the very expression of our fragile and vulnerable hearts (also the root of our anger and defensiveness). When we acknowledge and accept our vulnerabilities as human beings, tenderness and compassion naturally arise and fear need not confound us. Just being human is a profound experience itself. What a blessing to be reminded of all this through the people who reveal their lives to me every day. --Doug
Couples therapist Dr. David Schnarch writes, “Intimacy is not for the faint of heart” and yet I also believe that deep intimacy takes courage; courage that always contains fear. Fear is intrinsic to human experience and is the very expression of our fragile and vulnerable hearts (also the root of our anger and defensiveness). When we acknowledge and accept our vulnerabilities as human beings, tenderness and compassion naturally arise and fear need not confound us. Just being human is a profound experience itself. What a blessing to be reminded of all this through the people who reveal their lives to me every day. --Doug
Intimacy Begins with Self-Intimacy
Nov. 16, 2013 10:54 AM
This blog is about deepening intimacy in relationship. By intimacy I mean to say an experience in which people authentically and intentionally reveal themselves; reveal their internal emotional experience of self, their struggles, hopes, and desires. Intimate relationships, I believe, always begin with self-intimacy; this is because, in order to authentically reveal myself to another, I must first reveal myself to me. This is not so obvious as might first appear.
Most of us have aspects of ourselves that we feel uncomfortable with or discouraged about. Because there is stress or emotional pain associated with such aspects, many people cope with that stress by suppressing or repressing thoughts associated with the pain. Depending on the circumstances, coping in these ways can be helpful. However, although these aspects are hidden from conscious awareness, they are still expressed through a person’s behavior. Unconscious expression of hidden emotion can lead to behaviors that cause people added pain.
The first step toward healing pain of any kind is acknowledging and accepting that pain within yourself; that’s self-intimacy. In time this may lead to deeper awareness of hidden emotion that gets expressed unconsciously (sometimes called ‘sideways behavior’). From this place of awareness you may more confidently reveal your internal experiences to your mate or partner. Another word for this is transparency. When we cultivate intimacy with ourselves and with others we become more transparent and more accepting of ourselves.
Here’s the takeaway: Intimacy is cultivated through revealing your internal emotions to others. If you would like to deepen emotional intimacy with someone start by deepening your awareness of your own internal process: your likes and dislikes, your fears and your joys. Examine more closely what it’s like being you in all aspects of living your life. No doubt that examination will be a mix of appreciation and discomfort; and with practice you can accept the fullness of your life (both the pain and the joy) and more confidently reveal yourself to others. --Doug
Most of us have aspects of ourselves that we feel uncomfortable with or discouraged about. Because there is stress or emotional pain associated with such aspects, many people cope with that stress by suppressing or repressing thoughts associated with the pain. Depending on the circumstances, coping in these ways can be helpful. However, although these aspects are hidden from conscious awareness, they are still expressed through a person’s behavior. Unconscious expression of hidden emotion can lead to behaviors that cause people added pain.
The first step toward healing pain of any kind is acknowledging and accepting that pain within yourself; that’s self-intimacy. In time this may lead to deeper awareness of hidden emotion that gets expressed unconsciously (sometimes called ‘sideways behavior’). From this place of awareness you may more confidently reveal your internal experiences to your mate or partner. Another word for this is transparency. When we cultivate intimacy with ourselves and with others we become more transparent and more accepting of ourselves.
Here’s the takeaway: Intimacy is cultivated through revealing your internal emotions to others. If you would like to deepen emotional intimacy with someone start by deepening your awareness of your own internal process: your likes and dislikes, your fears and your joys. Examine more closely what it’s like being you in all aspects of living your life. No doubt that examination will be a mix of appreciation and discomfort; and with practice you can accept the fullness of your life (both the pain and the joy) and more confidently reveal yourself to others. --Doug