awareness
Deepening Relationship Awareness
Much of what I teach couples, and practice in my own life, is awareness practice. Rarely is the process for deepening awareness a straight line, however. Even if I were to say to you (which I wouldn’t without your assured invitation), “Do this and stop doing that.”, change rarely happens quickly, completely, or so directly. The human psyche is just too convoluted to entirely erase deeply engrained patterns. Especially when under increased stress, many of us may temporarily revert in some way to old patterns of behavior (myself included) until the trouble passes. In this sense, most of us have a psychological limp that makes us uniquely human, can be a bridge to self-compassion, and may increase our empathy for others.
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
- I’d like you to spend some time each day, five to fifteen minutes minimum, answering these three questions for yourself. You are not expected to tell your partner anything about what you experience doing this, unless you want to, even if your partner shares her/his/their experience with you. At our next session together I will ask you both if there is anything about your experience you would like to share. This might be nothing or anything like what the experience of answering the questions was like for you, what you liked or disliked about the experience, or your specific answers to any of the questions. The choice of talking about your experience or not is yours.
- What have you received from your relationship today?
- What have you given to your relationship today?
- What troubles or difficulties have you caused your relationship today?
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
WHAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?
These are strange and stressful times as you well know. I had one of those ‘ah-ha’ moments yesterday: the spontaneous realization of our collective and surreal predicament unexpectedly erupted into my daily ritual of oatmeal, nuts and fruit. “This coronavirus is serious!”, I shuddered. In a flash, my attention surveyed a number of related questions and concerns as the immediate impact, and the potential magnitude, of our existential dilemma rose within my awareness. And then, just as it began, my mind quickly quieted and I went back to cutting my apple. Returning awareness to cutting the apple wasn’t so much denial as it was paying attention to what was right in front of me: cutting the apple with full awareness so that I did not mindlessly cut my finger.
With coronavirus it is particularly urgent to maintain attention to certain behaviors because you may save a life that’s right in front of you. We are instructed, for example, to pay attention to how and when to wash our hands, to how close we stand to others, and to the specifics of how to cough and sneeze. Paying attention, returning awareness to these and other routine behaviors, benefits all of us as we collectively navigate this coronavirus. We all depend on each of us continually practicing awareness in support of everyone’s health and wellbeing.
Maintaining awareness is no less important in your relationship. Paying attention, or not, to how you behave with your partner will either support or erode the collective wellbeing of the relationship. Sincerely inquiring into your partner’s perspective and experience is a crucial awareness, as are many other behaviors like listening without interrupting or trying to fix something, empathizing, apologizing, and using kind language and voice tone. The relationship you save may be your own and she/he/they are right in front of you.
Be well and take care of each other. ~Doug
With coronavirus it is particularly urgent to maintain attention to certain behaviors because you may save a life that’s right in front of you. We are instructed, for example, to pay attention to how and when to wash our hands, to how close we stand to others, and to the specifics of how to cough and sneeze. Paying attention, returning awareness to these and other routine behaviors, benefits all of us as we collectively navigate this coronavirus. We all depend on each of us continually practicing awareness in support of everyone’s health and wellbeing.
Maintaining awareness is no less important in your relationship. Paying attention, or not, to how you behave with your partner will either support or erode the collective wellbeing of the relationship. Sincerely inquiring into your partner’s perspective and experience is a crucial awareness, as are many other behaviors like listening without interrupting or trying to fix something, empathizing, apologizing, and using kind language and voice tone. The relationship you save may be your own and she/he/they are right in front of you.
Be well and take care of each other. ~Doug