How To Take A Timeout To Improve Your Relationship
For years I’ve been coaching couples on how to use ‘timeouts’ to improve their relationships. The process is really quite structured and when a couple intentionally agrees to uphold these specific rules confidence in responding effectively to arguments can really improve. It’s important to remember that it may take several trials and refinements of the timeout process before experiencing dramatic results. However, when practiced sincerely by both members of a couple the timeout can become a reliable tool for how to move beyond stressful, and even nasty, arguments toward collaborative solutions. The structure I present here is an amalgam from different sources, including Dr. John Gottman, and my own refinements.
The purpose of a timeout is as an aid for increasing consistent, effective and collaborative conversation. When a person becomes flooded with emotion it can become increasingly difficult to have an objective conversation about relationship problems or challenges. ‘Fight or flight’ reaction may occur anytime one feels flooded with any strong emotion making it virtually impossible to objectively address perceived problems or threats.
The timeout structure is a tool to consistently interrupt relationship dynamics and behaviors that interfere with collaborative conversations (i.e., yelling, name calling, interrupting, criticism, withdrawing, etc.) and provide a structured pause from the interaction so both members of a couple may de-stress, self-soothe, and allow for enough time to pass enabling a calmer followup conversation. It usually takes 20-30 minutes for this de-stressing process to exhaust the sympathetic nervous system’s fight or flight hormone, norepinephrine, from an individual’s bloodstream. It is important that both members of the couple agree to the following structure in its entirety to potentiate effective outcomes. If you can not agree to any part of the structure please make that clear.
1. Either member of a couple may call a ‘timeout’ when she/he/they perceive the interaction is devolving into a hurtful or emotionally flooding argument. One person, partner “A”, calls “timeout” or uses an agreed upon phrase (i.e.,“bupkis”) to alert their partner, “B”, to the timeout.
2. Upon hearing the timeout, partner B agrees to immediately stop talking, regardless of whether she/he/they is talking or not.
3. Both A and B agree to do their best to get physical space away from each other for the length of the timeout; i.e. going to different rooms in the house, leaving the house for a brief walk, etc.
4. Partner A, who initiated the timeout, agrees to be the time keeper and set a physical timer for 30 minutes so there is no guessing about when the timeout starts and ends.
5. During the timeout both A and B use the pause to de-stress by engaging in activities that aid relaxation, i.e., listening to soothing music, reading a calming book, exercising, etc. Do not use the time thinking about all the arguments you will make to your partner after the timeout.
6. When the timer indicates 30 minutes have passed, Partner A goes to B with three main concerns: 1. Do we still need to talk? (A and B might both agree they were just blowing off steam, apologize, and feel nothing more needs to be said.) If both agree to end the conversation then that’s the end. 2. If at least one of you still wants to talk then both agree to return to the conversation. 3. When to continue the conversation? Ideally the conversation will resume immediately following the timeout. Busy lives, however, may require getting out calendars immediately after the timeout and setting a later time and day to talk. If needed, set a date to set the date and time for the conversation (i.e., A states, “I’ll call you in two hours from the office so we can set a specific time to talk.”, when time doesn’t permit scheduling immediately.)
7. Couples agree to not use timeouts to avoid or impede conversation, nor to ‘punish’ each other.
It’s important to remember that the person who calls for the timeout is responsible for reestablishing initial contact after the timeout and for taking the primary initiative in guiding the couple toward scheduling the next opportunity to address the topic, whether immediately after the timeout or at a ‘soonest’ next opportunity. Taking this responsibility is a good-faith demonstration that the topic will not get lost or forgotten. When first practicing timeouts, you may notice that when you reconnect to talk about the issue it may be necessary to quickly call for another timeout. With practice and confidence timeouts get called less frequently as partners trust that issues will not get dropped and individuals can learn to use the timeout to decrease reactivity. Good luck! ~Doug
The purpose of a timeout is as an aid for increasing consistent, effective and collaborative conversation. When a person becomes flooded with emotion it can become increasingly difficult to have an objective conversation about relationship problems or challenges. ‘Fight or flight’ reaction may occur anytime one feels flooded with any strong emotion making it virtually impossible to objectively address perceived problems or threats.
The timeout structure is a tool to consistently interrupt relationship dynamics and behaviors that interfere with collaborative conversations (i.e., yelling, name calling, interrupting, criticism, withdrawing, etc.) and provide a structured pause from the interaction so both members of a couple may de-stress, self-soothe, and allow for enough time to pass enabling a calmer followup conversation. It usually takes 20-30 minutes for this de-stressing process to exhaust the sympathetic nervous system’s fight or flight hormone, norepinephrine, from an individual’s bloodstream. It is important that both members of the couple agree to the following structure in its entirety to potentiate effective outcomes. If you can not agree to any part of the structure please make that clear.
1. Either member of a couple may call a ‘timeout’ when she/he/they perceive the interaction is devolving into a hurtful or emotionally flooding argument. One person, partner “A”, calls “timeout” or uses an agreed upon phrase (i.e.,“bupkis”) to alert their partner, “B”, to the timeout.
2. Upon hearing the timeout, partner B agrees to immediately stop talking, regardless of whether she/he/they is talking or not.
3. Both A and B agree to do their best to get physical space away from each other for the length of the timeout; i.e. going to different rooms in the house, leaving the house for a brief walk, etc.
4. Partner A, who initiated the timeout, agrees to be the time keeper and set a physical timer for 30 minutes so there is no guessing about when the timeout starts and ends.
5. During the timeout both A and B use the pause to de-stress by engaging in activities that aid relaxation, i.e., listening to soothing music, reading a calming book, exercising, etc. Do not use the time thinking about all the arguments you will make to your partner after the timeout.
6. When the timer indicates 30 minutes have passed, Partner A goes to B with three main concerns: 1. Do we still need to talk? (A and B might both agree they were just blowing off steam, apologize, and feel nothing more needs to be said.) If both agree to end the conversation then that’s the end. 2. If at least one of you still wants to talk then both agree to return to the conversation. 3. When to continue the conversation? Ideally the conversation will resume immediately following the timeout. Busy lives, however, may require getting out calendars immediately after the timeout and setting a later time and day to talk. If needed, set a date to set the date and time for the conversation (i.e., A states, “I’ll call you in two hours from the office so we can set a specific time to talk.”, when time doesn’t permit scheduling immediately.)
7. Couples agree to not use timeouts to avoid or impede conversation, nor to ‘punish’ each other.
It’s important to remember that the person who calls for the timeout is responsible for reestablishing initial contact after the timeout and for taking the primary initiative in guiding the couple toward scheduling the next opportunity to address the topic, whether immediately after the timeout or at a ‘soonest’ next opportunity. Taking this responsibility is a good-faith demonstration that the topic will not get lost or forgotten. When first practicing timeouts, you may notice that when you reconnect to talk about the issue it may be necessary to quickly call for another timeout. With practice and confidence timeouts get called less frequently as partners trust that issues will not get dropped and individuals can learn to use the timeout to decrease reactivity. Good luck! ~Doug
How To Heal Your Relationship Through Forgiveness
Jul. 09, 2020 11:32 AM Filed in: Relationship Help | Conflict
When we first contemplate forgiveness in relationship we often think either, “How will I forgive you?” or “Will you forgive me?” But neither of these is the best starting place for healing your relationship through forgiveness. If I truly believe that the most important relationship I can have in the world is with myself, then forgiveness must start with self-forgiveness. Self- forgiveness is a process commensurate with and not altogether different from self- compassion.
To forgive someone, or to be ready to integrate someone forgiving you, start with forgiving yourself. Start by acknowledging and accepting responsibility for all the ways, both large and small, you have not been and are still not the kind of friend, family member, partner, parent or spouse you would like to be. Do this without intentionally shaming yourself (although you may feel shame) and without demeaning yourself (although you may feel less-than). This is an act of simply laying bare, with self-compassion, the “truth” about being human that none of us escapes: our own individual imperfection.
When we open our hearts to the truth of our own imperfection and see with simple and clear awareness how we not only abandon others but routinely abandon ourselves (i.e., through self-loathing, self-denying, withholding love, etc.), our hearts soften and we experience, in the words of an old zen parable, heaven.* This softening helps us see ourselves in the trespasses of others and to joyfully celebrate the pardons of those we have hurt.
In the final estimation, experiencing the love and joy you would like in the world starts with cultivating these for yourself and includes learning to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness strengthens your ability to acknowledge how you’ve hurt others and how you hurt yourself through self-abandonment. Forgiving yourself for your own human imperfections enables you to see yourself in others and to understand how to forgive those you love. ~Doug
* A samurai warrior wanted to understand and transcend the apparent opposites of heaven and hell to be a better fighter. So he sought out a particular zen monk to teach him. Arriving unannounced at the little monk’s door the samurai abruptly demanded, “Monk, teach me about heaven and hell!”
The little old monk was just finishing a cup of tea and he quietly set down the cup and peered straight into the samurai’s eyes. Unflinchingly he replied, “How dare you barge into my home and demand that I teach you! Just look at you: Overgrown, dirty! You couldn’t begin to understand what I have to teach. Why, I’m certain even your weapon is rusty!”
Enraged, the mighty samurai pulled out his sword and prepared to slice the monk in two. As he raised the blade over his head the monk calmly stated, “That’s hell.”
Instantly the samurai understood. He lowered his weapon and fell to the ground weeping with appreciation for the little zen monk who had risked his life to impart this great teaching. As the samurai softly cried the monk said gently, “And that’s heaven.”
To forgive someone, or to be ready to integrate someone forgiving you, start with forgiving yourself. Start by acknowledging and accepting responsibility for all the ways, both large and small, you have not been and are still not the kind of friend, family member, partner, parent or spouse you would like to be. Do this without intentionally shaming yourself (although you may feel shame) and without demeaning yourself (although you may feel less-than). This is an act of simply laying bare, with self-compassion, the “truth” about being human that none of us escapes: our own individual imperfection.
When we open our hearts to the truth of our own imperfection and see with simple and clear awareness how we not only abandon others but routinely abandon ourselves (i.e., through self-loathing, self-denying, withholding love, etc.), our hearts soften and we experience, in the words of an old zen parable, heaven.* This softening helps us see ourselves in the trespasses of others and to joyfully celebrate the pardons of those we have hurt.
In the final estimation, experiencing the love and joy you would like in the world starts with cultivating these for yourself and includes learning to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness strengthens your ability to acknowledge how you’ve hurt others and how you hurt yourself through self-abandonment. Forgiving yourself for your own human imperfections enables you to see yourself in others and to understand how to forgive those you love. ~Doug
* A samurai warrior wanted to understand and transcend the apparent opposites of heaven and hell to be a better fighter. So he sought out a particular zen monk to teach him. Arriving unannounced at the little monk’s door the samurai abruptly demanded, “Monk, teach me about heaven and hell!”
The little old monk was just finishing a cup of tea and he quietly set down the cup and peered straight into the samurai’s eyes. Unflinchingly he replied, “How dare you barge into my home and demand that I teach you! Just look at you: Overgrown, dirty! You couldn’t begin to understand what I have to teach. Why, I’m certain even your weapon is rusty!”
Enraged, the mighty samurai pulled out his sword and prepared to slice the monk in two. As he raised the blade over his head the monk calmly stated, “That’s hell.”
Instantly the samurai understood. He lowered his weapon and fell to the ground weeping with appreciation for the little zen monk who had risked his life to impart this great teaching. As the samurai softly cried the monk said gently, “And that’s heaven.”
Deepening Relationship Awareness
Much of what I teach couples, and practice in my own life, is awareness practice. Rarely is the process for deepening awareness a straight line, however. Even if I were to say to you (which I wouldn’t without your assured invitation), “Do this and stop doing that.”, change rarely happens quickly, completely, or so directly. The human psyche is just too convoluted to entirely erase deeply engrained patterns. Especially when under increased stress, many of us may temporarily revert in some way to old patterns of behavior (myself included) until the trouble passes. In this sense, most of us have a psychological limp that makes us uniquely human, can be a bridge to self-compassion, and may increase our empathy for others.
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
One awareness practice I encourage my client couples to try is an adaptation of a Japanese therapy called Naikan (different spelling than the camera’s). Three questions are given for both members of the couple to contemplate with these instructions:
- I’d like you to spend some time each day, five to fifteen minutes minimum, answering these three questions for yourself. You are not expected to tell your partner anything about what you experience doing this, unless you want to, even if your partner shares her/his/their experience with you. At our next session together I will ask you both if there is anything about your experience you would like to share. This might be nothing or anything like what the experience of answering the questions was like for you, what you liked or disliked about the experience, or your specific answers to any of the questions. The choice of talking about your experience or not is yours.
- What have you received from your relationship today?
- What have you given to your relationship today?
- What troubles or difficulties have you caused your relationship today?
The daily practice of answering these questions can promote a deeper understanding of yourself and of your relationship with your partner. Like any awareness practice this takes repetition and perhaps more time than you might expect to appreciate its benefits. If you care deeply about transforming your relationship, however, this straightforward practice can gradually open your heart in unpredictable ways. I wish you and your relationship health and happiness. Stay well. ~Doug
Making A Case: Dan Wile's Legacy
Apr. 05, 2020 10:28 PM Filed in: Dan Wile | Collaborative Couple Therapy
Daniel Wile, Ph.D died on March 18, 2020. With his passing some of the art and elegance within psychotherapy has lost a little ground.
Dan Wile was a creative “genius”* in a sometimes desolate landscape of manualized protocols and interventions. While it is often the fashion these days to demonstrate and strongly promote evidenced-based methodologies as the sine qua non for therapeutic work, Dan Wile quietly and methodically persevered to better understand himself and the compassionate practice he called Collaborative Couple Therapy.
Wile authored three books on Collaborative Couple Therapy and many scholarly articles addressing various dynamics with psychotherapy. His mentor and eventual collaborator, Bernard Apfelbaum, Ph.D., was a proponent of ego analysis (not ego psychology): understanding human problems as originating from critical and negative self-ego states such as feelings of inadequacy, self-hatred, shame, and self-blame. The ego-analytic therapist helps her client get on his own side, sympathizing with himself and his predicament, so he may exercise compassionate, nonjudgmental curiosity about his predicament. Collaborative Couple Therapy operationalizes and repeatedly models how intimate partners can actualize this compassionate platform within themselves individually and with each other.
Dan was scrupulously committed to process and to values that make therapy compassionate and healing. These include giving voice to the reasonableness in people’s perspectives, structuring intimate conversation between partners as the vehicle for producing change, and encouraging individuals to embrace with kindness the totality of their own unique and subjective human experience. And Wile embodied what he taught.
Dan would sometimes describe his method by saying he helped people make a ‘better case’ for themselves with their partners: He modeled how people could express themselves authentically without blaming or judging each other. Many of us build a case for how right we are by arguing how wrong someone else is. In such an instance Dan might empathically reflect to himself, “He’s not making a very good case for himself.” Dan’s approach was to encourage people to sympathize with themselves, find the reasonableness in their own experience, and learn to express that with compassion for self and with kindness toward one’s partner. Dan was a gentle and inspiring teacher, well-loved and now missed by all fortunate to know him. What a lasting case he’s made in the lives of so many.
*From the acknowledgements of John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Dan Wile was a creative “genius”* in a sometimes desolate landscape of manualized protocols and interventions. While it is often the fashion these days to demonstrate and strongly promote evidenced-based methodologies as the sine qua non for therapeutic work, Dan Wile quietly and methodically persevered to better understand himself and the compassionate practice he called Collaborative Couple Therapy.
Wile authored three books on Collaborative Couple Therapy and many scholarly articles addressing various dynamics with psychotherapy. His mentor and eventual collaborator, Bernard Apfelbaum, Ph.D., was a proponent of ego analysis (not ego psychology): understanding human problems as originating from critical and negative self-ego states such as feelings of inadequacy, self-hatred, shame, and self-blame. The ego-analytic therapist helps her client get on his own side, sympathizing with himself and his predicament, so he may exercise compassionate, nonjudgmental curiosity about his predicament. Collaborative Couple Therapy operationalizes and repeatedly models how intimate partners can actualize this compassionate platform within themselves individually and with each other.
Dan was scrupulously committed to process and to values that make therapy compassionate and healing. These include giving voice to the reasonableness in people’s perspectives, structuring intimate conversation between partners as the vehicle for producing change, and encouraging individuals to embrace with kindness the totality of their own unique and subjective human experience. And Wile embodied what he taught.
Dan would sometimes describe his method by saying he helped people make a ‘better case’ for themselves with their partners: He modeled how people could express themselves authentically without blaming or judging each other. Many of us build a case for how right we are by arguing how wrong someone else is. In such an instance Dan might empathically reflect to himself, “He’s not making a very good case for himself.” Dan’s approach was to encourage people to sympathize with themselves, find the reasonableness in their own experience, and learn to express that with compassion for self and with kindness toward one’s partner. Dan was a gentle and inspiring teacher, well-loved and now missed by all fortunate to know him. What a lasting case he’s made in the lives of so many.
*From the acknowledgements of John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
WHAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?
These are strange and stressful times as you well know. I had one of those ‘ah-ha’ moments yesterday: the spontaneous realization of our collective and surreal predicament unexpectedly erupted into my daily ritual of oatmeal, nuts and fruit. “This coronavirus is serious!”, I shuddered. In a flash, my attention surveyed a number of related questions and concerns as the immediate impact, and the potential magnitude, of our existential dilemma rose within my awareness. And then, just as it began, my mind quickly quieted and I went back to cutting my apple. Returning awareness to cutting the apple wasn’t so much denial as it was paying attention to what was right in front of me: cutting the apple with full awareness so that I did not mindlessly cut my finger.
With coronavirus it is particularly urgent to maintain attention to certain behaviors because you may save a life that’s right in front of you. We are instructed, for example, to pay attention to how and when to wash our hands, to how close we stand to others, and to the specifics of how to cough and sneeze. Paying attention, returning awareness to these and other routine behaviors, benefits all of us as we collectively navigate this coronavirus. We all depend on each of us continually practicing awareness in support of everyone’s health and wellbeing.
Maintaining awareness is no less important in your relationship. Paying attention, or not, to how you behave with your partner will either support or erode the collective wellbeing of the relationship. Sincerely inquiring into your partner’s perspective and experience is a crucial awareness, as are many other behaviors like listening without interrupting or trying to fix something, empathizing, apologizing, and using kind language and voice tone. The relationship you save may be your own and she/he/they are right in front of you.
Be well and take care of each other. ~Doug
With coronavirus it is particularly urgent to maintain attention to certain behaviors because you may save a life that’s right in front of you. We are instructed, for example, to pay attention to how and when to wash our hands, to how close we stand to others, and to the specifics of how to cough and sneeze. Paying attention, returning awareness to these and other routine behaviors, benefits all of us as we collectively navigate this coronavirus. We all depend on each of us continually practicing awareness in support of everyone’s health and wellbeing.
Maintaining awareness is no less important in your relationship. Paying attention, or not, to how you behave with your partner will either support or erode the collective wellbeing of the relationship. Sincerely inquiring into your partner’s perspective and experience is a crucial awareness, as are many other behaviors like listening without interrupting or trying to fix something, empathizing, apologizing, and using kind language and voice tone. The relationship you save may be your own and she/he/they are right in front of you.
Be well and take care of each other. ~Doug