confidence
Conflict Avoidant? You're Normal.
Aug. 31, 2014 08:21 AM Filed in: Conflict
Every now and then I hear some version of the following when a new couple arrives at my office: “He’s afraid of conflict so we never talk about anything important.” or “I’m just conflict avoidant, I guess. I’m afraid of starting an argument.” These kinds of statements carry a negative message, that a particular situation would be a whole lot better if someone wasn’t afraid of conflict. Fearing conflict, however, is not the problem; fear itself is a normal human emotion. How to respond when feeling fear is the healing question.
I have a hypothesis about conflict avoidance: Human beings have survived on this planet for two hundred thousand years, in part, because we are conflict avoidant. While countless examples of human violence may seem to contradict this assertion (many aggressive and violent acts can be understood as conflict avoidant, however), the vast majority of human beings cooperate with one another for their mutual interest, enjoyment, and survival. We humans are social animals. I believe we evolved an adaptive drive for emotional and social connection because getting kicked out of the tribe on the plains of Africa meant trouble. With no fangs or claws to defend ourselves, a solitary human was an easy meal for hyaenas and cheetahs. Getting along with family and tribal members was the difference between life and death.
Fast forward to the twenty-first century. Although many modern comforts make our lives less precarious than the lives of our ancestors, the structure of our brains has not changed for thousands of years. We still fear conflict and the potential for disruption and pain conflict represents in our relationships. The scientific evidence seems to demonstrate, as well, that people live longer and feel better when connected to a larger social group. From this perspective, fear of conflict is a normal desire to remain within the familiar surroundings of a safe family or tribe.
Understanding that most people, myself included, are conflict avoidant helps us stop seeing ourselves as needing to be fixed or different. Humans are marvelously adaptive; the reason our species has survived all these millennium. Avoiding conflict is itself adaptive; it orients the vast majority of us toward pathways for maintaining connection and relationship for our health and survival. But inevitably, of course, modern life poses dilemmas which make conflict unavoidable and even preferable to the status quo. Then what?
First, acknowledging and accepting your fear of conflict can help you relax more in even the smallest ways. With incremental relaxation you can think more clearly and creatively (adaptively) about potential solutions. Second, you might share your fear of conflict with your partner; an intimate and loving gesture because you reveal your vulnerability. Third, you can learn to have conversations expressing your hopes and fears in a way that invites the same transparency from your mate. These conversations deepen intimacy, love and connection.
Fear of conflict is normal. You are normal. Remember the old saying: Courage is not the absence of fear; courage is having fear and acting anyway. Acknowledging and accepting the complete range of human emotion, especially your fears, is the key to taking action and creating solutions. --Doug
I have a hypothesis about conflict avoidance: Human beings have survived on this planet for two hundred thousand years, in part, because we are conflict avoidant. While countless examples of human violence may seem to contradict this assertion (many aggressive and violent acts can be understood as conflict avoidant, however), the vast majority of human beings cooperate with one another for their mutual interest, enjoyment, and survival. We humans are social animals. I believe we evolved an adaptive drive for emotional and social connection because getting kicked out of the tribe on the plains of Africa meant trouble. With no fangs or claws to defend ourselves, a solitary human was an easy meal for hyaenas and cheetahs. Getting along with family and tribal members was the difference between life and death.
Fast forward to the twenty-first century. Although many modern comforts make our lives less precarious than the lives of our ancestors, the structure of our brains has not changed for thousands of years. We still fear conflict and the potential for disruption and pain conflict represents in our relationships. The scientific evidence seems to demonstrate, as well, that people live longer and feel better when connected to a larger social group. From this perspective, fear of conflict is a normal desire to remain within the familiar surroundings of a safe family or tribe.
Understanding that most people, myself included, are conflict avoidant helps us stop seeing ourselves as needing to be fixed or different. Humans are marvelously adaptive; the reason our species has survived all these millennium. Avoiding conflict is itself adaptive; it orients the vast majority of us toward pathways for maintaining connection and relationship for our health and survival. But inevitably, of course, modern life poses dilemmas which make conflict unavoidable and even preferable to the status quo. Then what?
First, acknowledging and accepting your fear of conflict can help you relax more in even the smallest ways. With incremental relaxation you can think more clearly and creatively (adaptively) about potential solutions. Second, you might share your fear of conflict with your partner; an intimate and loving gesture because you reveal your vulnerability. Third, you can learn to have conversations expressing your hopes and fears in a way that invites the same transparency from your mate. These conversations deepen intimacy, love and connection.
Fear of conflict is normal. You are normal. Remember the old saying: Courage is not the absence of fear; courage is having fear and acting anyway. Acknowledging and accepting the complete range of human emotion, especially your fears, is the key to taking action and creating solutions. --Doug
"So Happy Together": Building Confident Relationships
Nov. 21, 2013 01:01 PM Filed in: Confident Relationships
Remember the ‘60s song by The Turtles? “Imagine me and you; I do. I Think about you day and night . . .So happy together.” Since the dawn of romance both men and women have been professing love for their beloved. In popular music these declarations are often a testament of the crooner’s desire for the beloved, something along the lines of “without you I am nobody.”
Popular culture reflects truths about the culture as a whole. Many people believe that once they are with someone they love the relationship will give them happiness. Intimate relationships certainly can inspire happiness. They can also generate fear, anxiety, worry, and even depression. The truth is that many of us, perhaps most, hunger for the joy and run from the pain.
Cultivating the kind of trust and happiness we desire in relationship requires us, I believe, to transparently reveal ourselves to those we love. Doing so forges intimacy. There is a risk in this, however; that either you or your partner may experience pain through the process of authentic self-disclosure. “Intimacy,” writes Dr. David Schnarch, “is not for the faint of heart.”
While many factors can contribute to happy relationships, I believe it is confidence that deeply promotes happiness. One aspect is the confidence within yourself to soothe your own hurt and pain when the mud and arrows fly. Confidence grows as you learn to take responsibility for and attend to your own emotional pain. In doing so it becomes easier to reveal yourself to your mate (whatever the perceived risk) and to accept the same from her/him without blaming. You can increasingly trust your ability to self-soothe.
Most of us, I believe, desire a partner who is emotionally strong and supportive. We’d like someone who can skillfully weather the inevitable problems in the relationship. But there’s a ‘catch’ with this: We desire this so that we can relax; we want to feel safely supported by a confident and calm mate. In other words, we want our mate to soothe us when the relationship feels rough. What we rarely realize is that he/she probably desires the same in reverse.
One facet that helps confident relationships grow is learning to trust one’s own ability to self-soothe. As we build trust in ourselves we can also begin to trust that our partner is attending to herself/himself in much the same way. Relationship has many enjoyable benefits. Trusting that you and your partner can take responsibility for your own emotional pain can help you be happy together. --Doug
Popular culture reflects truths about the culture as a whole. Many people believe that once they are with someone they love the relationship will give them happiness. Intimate relationships certainly can inspire happiness. They can also generate fear, anxiety, worry, and even depression. The truth is that many of us, perhaps most, hunger for the joy and run from the pain.
Cultivating the kind of trust and happiness we desire in relationship requires us, I believe, to transparently reveal ourselves to those we love. Doing so forges intimacy. There is a risk in this, however; that either you or your partner may experience pain through the process of authentic self-disclosure. “Intimacy,” writes Dr. David Schnarch, “is not for the faint of heart.”
While many factors can contribute to happy relationships, I believe it is confidence that deeply promotes happiness. One aspect is the confidence within yourself to soothe your own hurt and pain when the mud and arrows fly. Confidence grows as you learn to take responsibility for and attend to your own emotional pain. In doing so it becomes easier to reveal yourself to your mate (whatever the perceived risk) and to accept the same from her/him without blaming. You can increasingly trust your ability to self-soothe.
Most of us, I believe, desire a partner who is emotionally strong and supportive. We’d like someone who can skillfully weather the inevitable problems in the relationship. But there’s a ‘catch’ with this: We desire this so that we can relax; we want to feel safely supported by a confident and calm mate. In other words, we want our mate to soothe us when the relationship feels rough. What we rarely realize is that he/she probably desires the same in reverse.
One facet that helps confident relationships grow is learning to trust one’s own ability to self-soothe. As we build trust in ourselves we can also begin to trust that our partner is attending to herself/himself in much the same way. Relationship has many enjoyable benefits. Trusting that you and your partner can take responsibility for your own emotional pain can help you be happy together. --Doug