solution focused
What Supports 'Change'?
Nov. 28, 2018 04:34 PM Filed in: Personal Growth
As my couple therapy clients will attest to, I have my biases and I express them as such because I never want my clients to simply accept my perspective without checking in with themselves about theirs. If we are in disagreement we can then have a collaborative and compassionate conversation about the impasse. That is Collaborative Couple Therapy in a nutshell: People often disagree and, even so, we can still maintain connection as we address the difficulty.
When it comes to increasing the likelihood of favorable change in your relationship (or, for that matter, within yourself or in the environment) I start with a set of foundational beliefs:
Compassion Is More Helpful Than Anger
Although anger can be a motivator for some people within a limited context, it can’t be sustained for extended periods of time without causing harm in one way or another. Compassion, and I focus on self-compassion in particular, invokes friendliness and ‘turning toward’ life rather than pushing against our experiences. The more we are able to cultivate self-compassion, the greater our ability to face all challenges with kindness and curiosity.
It’s OK To Feel Anything You Feel
This is difficult for a lot of people to fully embrace. When I’m OK with anything I feel I can acknowledge and accept the fullness of my humanness, my experience of myself, without shame, guilt or self-condemnation (although, on a meta-level, I can also acknowledge and accept those negative feelings as well). For most of us this ‘OKness’ is, more or less, a continual work in progress.
One reason some people may feel alarmed by this concept is that they fear they may act-out in harmful or hurtful ways once they allow themselves to accept particularly undesirable feelings; the opposite is usually true. All feelings have energy behind them and if you try to ignore, deny, or repress any feeling its energy will eventually express itself in unconscious ways. Accepting your feelings, even unpleasant ones, creates space to respond in creative and decisive ways (with compassion). It’s also important to remember that ‘feeling’ and ‘doing’ are two different things.
Orient To Solutions
When faced with a problem, it’s easy to primarily focus on wanting that problem to stop. “Stop yelling at me” and “I wish I wasn’t so shy” are common types of problems people experience. Orienting to solutions means learning how to better express how you’d like things to be through increasing something or moving toward something rather than away from something. “Please lower your voice” and “I’d like to feel more relaxed in groups” are examples of solutions to these problems. Expressing a solution provides a more specific guide toward something desirable and presupposes the possibility for change. The better you can get at envisioning solutions the more likely you are to reach something approximating your desired solution.
~Doug
When it comes to increasing the likelihood of favorable change in your relationship (or, for that matter, within yourself or in the environment) I start with a set of foundational beliefs:
- Compassion is more helpful than anger
- It’s OK to feel anything you feel
- Orienting to ‘solutions’ rather than to ‘problems’ is most effective.
Compassion Is More Helpful Than Anger
Although anger can be a motivator for some people within a limited context, it can’t be sustained for extended periods of time without causing harm in one way or another. Compassion, and I focus on self-compassion in particular, invokes friendliness and ‘turning toward’ life rather than pushing against our experiences. The more we are able to cultivate self-compassion, the greater our ability to face all challenges with kindness and curiosity.
It’s OK To Feel Anything You Feel
This is difficult for a lot of people to fully embrace. When I’m OK with anything I feel I can acknowledge and accept the fullness of my humanness, my experience of myself, without shame, guilt or self-condemnation (although, on a meta-level, I can also acknowledge and accept those negative feelings as well). For most of us this ‘OKness’ is, more or less, a continual work in progress.
One reason some people may feel alarmed by this concept is that they fear they may act-out in harmful or hurtful ways once they allow themselves to accept particularly undesirable feelings; the opposite is usually true. All feelings have energy behind them and if you try to ignore, deny, or repress any feeling its energy will eventually express itself in unconscious ways. Accepting your feelings, even unpleasant ones, creates space to respond in creative and decisive ways (with compassion). It’s also important to remember that ‘feeling’ and ‘doing’ are two different things.
Orient To Solutions
When faced with a problem, it’s easy to primarily focus on wanting that problem to stop. “Stop yelling at me” and “I wish I wasn’t so shy” are common types of problems people experience. Orienting to solutions means learning how to better express how you’d like things to be through increasing something or moving toward something rather than away from something. “Please lower your voice” and “I’d like to feel more relaxed in groups” are examples of solutions to these problems. Expressing a solution provides a more specific guide toward something desirable and presupposes the possibility for change. The better you can get at envisioning solutions the more likely you are to reach something approximating your desired solution.
~Doug
The Structure Of Change
Oct. 31, 2014 04:28 PM Filed in: Arguing
Here is a simple and effective structure for supporting healthy interactions in your relationship that contribute to the changes you and your partner desire. It’s simple from the standpoint of the directions. In truth, it can be difficult to consistently practice.
When confronted with problems and difficulties, many of us naturally direct our attention to what we dislike and want to change. In other words, we focus on what we don’t like and we advocate for that thing to stop. For example, perhaps you feel misunderstood in your relationship and you believe your parter is judgmental of you. You might say to her/him, “Stop judging me.” Not surprisingly s/he might become defensive and accuse you of the same behavior. Before you know it you’re both arguing over what you dislike about each other. This is typically called a “problem focused” perspective. This perspective often keeps people stuck complaining about problems and can invite defensiveness when someone feels accused of being the problem.
One alternative is a “solution focused” perspective. A solution focused perspective puts little or no emphasis on describing the “problem” and directs attention to the specifics of how I’d like things to be. Here’s another way to think about this: Am I focused on what I want to stop or am I expressing what new thing I’d like to begin? Problem focused perspectives want something to decrease. Solution focused perspectives would like something to increase.
Rather than telling my partner to “stop judging me” I might say, “I’d like us both to be patient with each other.” Repeatedly directing attention toward a possible solution increases the likelihood that something approximating that solution may eventually take root. Focusing on the problem, however, often keeps us stuck on just the problem.
This simple practice can be used in other circumstances including advocating for yourself with strangers (i.e., “I’d like to speak with someone who can authorize my refund.”), personal growth and change (i.e., “I’d like to feel more confident and calm.”), and with parenting children (“I’d like you to save more of your money.”) In each of these examples, the speaker is directing attention toward something new, a solution. When a child hears her parent say, “stop wasting your money”, waisting money is what the child remembers. The same principle applies to conflict in your relationship.
It’s human to react negatively to pain and discomfort in your life; when something hurts it’s natural to want that thing to stop. A solution focused perspective is not positive thinking, however. It is the recognition that your specific behaviors either contribute to or inhibit the growth and change you desire in your life. Intentional and effective change begins with a vivid awareness of how you would like your experience to genuinely be. Repeated dialogue with your partner in this way more strongly supports this intention, and the possibilities for change, in your relationship. --Doug
When confronted with problems and difficulties, many of us naturally direct our attention to what we dislike and want to change. In other words, we focus on what we don’t like and we advocate for that thing to stop. For example, perhaps you feel misunderstood in your relationship and you believe your parter is judgmental of you. You might say to her/him, “Stop judging me.” Not surprisingly s/he might become defensive and accuse you of the same behavior. Before you know it you’re both arguing over what you dislike about each other. This is typically called a “problem focused” perspective. This perspective often keeps people stuck complaining about problems and can invite defensiveness when someone feels accused of being the problem.
One alternative is a “solution focused” perspective. A solution focused perspective puts little or no emphasis on describing the “problem” and directs attention to the specifics of how I’d like things to be. Here’s another way to think about this: Am I focused on what I want to stop or am I expressing what new thing I’d like to begin? Problem focused perspectives want something to decrease. Solution focused perspectives would like something to increase.
Rather than telling my partner to “stop judging me” I might say, “I’d like us both to be patient with each other.” Repeatedly directing attention toward a possible solution increases the likelihood that something approximating that solution may eventually take root. Focusing on the problem, however, often keeps us stuck on just the problem.
This simple practice can be used in other circumstances including advocating for yourself with strangers (i.e., “I’d like to speak with someone who can authorize my refund.”), personal growth and change (i.e., “I’d like to feel more confident and calm.”), and with parenting children (“I’d like you to save more of your money.”) In each of these examples, the speaker is directing attention toward something new, a solution. When a child hears her parent say, “stop wasting your money”, waisting money is what the child remembers. The same principle applies to conflict in your relationship.
It’s human to react negatively to pain and discomfort in your life; when something hurts it’s natural to want that thing to stop. A solution focused perspective is not positive thinking, however. It is the recognition that your specific behaviors either contribute to or inhibit the growth and change you desire in your life. Intentional and effective change begins with a vivid awareness of how you would like your experience to genuinely be. Repeated dialogue with your partner in this way more strongly supports this intention, and the possibilities for change, in your relationship. --Doug